


Behind Our Closed Door

by AnnieMiku



Category: Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, I love them all tho, Its not poly yet but it will be, M/M, Oh my goodness they're all the same person, Roommate Prinxiety, Roommates, Thomas is a genius for real
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-12-10 10:28:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 24,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11689761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieMiku/pseuds/AnnieMiku
Summary: Living with Virgil was a lot different than Roman thought it was going to be. He thought it would be a complete pain in the ass if he was being honest. Virgil was so moody and it seemed like the few times they did see each other they ended up fighting. In reality it was more like living with a ghost.---Roman and Virgil live together and slowly discover they may want more than being roommates.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is just a short prologue but there's more up ahead!

Living with Virgil was a lot different than Roman thought it was going to be. He thought it would be a complete pain in the ass if he was being honest. Virgil was so moody and it seemed like the few times they did see each other they ended up fighting. In reality it was more like living with a ghost. 

They weren't even friends. Really, there friends were just friends. It seemed every time he met up with Patton, Virgil was there. It was less common but Virgil often accompanied Logan to social gatherings as well. And so they're friend group was formed. 

So yes, Virgil was there when he got the call. They were all together when shit hit the fan. When his boss called and he was “let go”.

The thing was he was already behind on rent. His landlord had given him a final warning last month when he was a week late with the money he owed. Really he had no choice when Virgil said he needed a place to stay and was willing to pay more than his fair share of the rent. 

So Virgil moved in a week later.


	2. A Key is Under the Mat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some awkward aquantences getting there small talk in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gee I hope they get along and there's no cheeezy sentimental moments
> 
>  
> 
> hehe thats all this chapter is imo

Roman wanted to avoid the conflict on move in day. So he went out and texted Virgil to say that a key was under the mat and he was looking for work. No he was not actually looking for work. That was a lie. The truth was he could not stand seeing his apartment being filled with (probably) tacky furniture. 

In truth he really didn't like the idea of having to share his living space. Anyone close to him knew that he hated compromising and letting go. He imagined there would be a lot of that now that Virgil lived with him. 

He shuddered at the thought. Living with him. What would he do if he had a date? He couldn't imagine what it would be like to introduce someone he was seeing to the strange emo he was now stuck with. Maybe Roman would rub off on him and the emo in him would just fade away. One could only dream. 

\--- 

Roman got in his car and started to drive home. He wanted to bite the bullet and get this over with. He only hoped that enough time had passed and Virgil had settled in. He knew that had to be the case; it had been almost 4 hours and it was already dark. 

He parked and walked up the path to his home. He stepped up to the door and the took a deep breath, his hand hovering over the knob. He sighed and dropped his hand bending down to check if the key was returned to its rightful place. To his surprise it was. Roman walked in. 

\---

The first thing Roman noticed was a huge bookshelf in his hall. Not only was it the length of the room it was positively crammed with books. He didn't even think he would be able to get a playbill in there if he tried. The strangest part was the three boxes (presumably filled with more books) next to the shelf. As if the overflowing shelf wasn't enough storage. 

Roman had never been much of a reader and had assumed that reading went away when tv was invented. But seeing basically a library of books in his hall he had the sudden urge to read. 

He traced his fingers over the spines of the books, humming. He noted that they seemed to be in no particular order. New hardbacks and 1st editions were mixed in with used bent out of shape paperbacks. 

He really didn't recognize many of the titles, only stopping to laugh when he saw twilight. He moved on seeming to snap out of his literature induced trance as he tripped over an uneven tile. 

Roman decided to ignore the rest of the down stairs for now. He didn't really need to ruin his mood by seeing something in his living room that didn't fit his personal aesthetic. He hiked up the stairs and turned right to look at what had once been a guest room at the end of his hall. Now his shared hall. 

He walked up to the door and raised his hand to knock, only stopping to notice the tacky white board on it. Roman squinted to see what was written in tiny black letters. “Green”. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? 

Prince knocked. 

The door creaked open slowly and Virgil peaked his head out slightly. He looked up seeing it was Roman and opened the door all the way, stepping back to let him in. 

Roman took in the view before him and was surprised by how average it all looked. Not that he had really put much thought into what the room would look like. Come to think of it he didn't know what he had expected. Edgy emo band posters? Perhaps a steaming cauldron? It was anyone's guess. 

He noted the queen bed had been moved to the corner of the room under the window and the side table that was previously near the bed was now on the other side of the room. The table was now sporting a hot plate, kettle and had a mini fridge tucked under it. Was Virgil planning on never leaving this room? The thought hurt Prince’s pride, not that he would ever admit to it. 

The biggest change to the room was the corner desk. It took up so much space and was so disorganized your eyes were drawn to it. It had cords spilling out from every place they could and a desktop with a printer attached. Though the most noticeable thing about the area was the sheer amount of note books. Sketch, spiral, composition and an array of planners. Some were neatly aligned in a tall stack and some were tossed aimlessly about with half the pages ripped out  
or dog eared. 

“What do you want?” Virgil's tone brought Roman back to reality. 

Prince blinked “oh right sorry I zoned out. It's late I suppose” he let out a half hearted laugh and fidgeted with his fingers. 

“Right...” Virgil looked unconvinced, rolling his eyes as he spoke. 

Prince put his acting skills to work and smiled wide. “Well I just thought I'd come and see how you’d settled in” his eyes roamed for somewhere to sit and landed on the chest at the end of the bed. Prince sat and daintily crossed his legs. “I haven't quite looked around but I like the shelf in the hall. It gives the space a more...homey vibe.” 

Verge quickly tried to hide the shock on his face but Prince glimpsed it for a quick moment. “I guess...I'm glad you like it.” He scratched his arm nervously and pulled at his sleeves. Then slowly he smirked a bit “It’s good I didn’t mess up your Ikea vibe too much. If I’m being fair my book collection has been called” he looked for the word “excessive” 

“Well that's probably accurate.” Prince laughed. “Both my Ikea vibe and your excessive book collection. It really did made me realize how little I read though” 

Virgil had migrated to the desk chair and was toeing the carpet. “You can borrow some if you want I guess.” He looked up glaring “Just ask first”

“Right of course!” Roman said quickly. A mischievous grin graced his face though “Wouldn't dream of imposing on your special reading club without an invite”

“Hey!” he barked in mock offence. “At least I make good use of my free time. You on the other hand have probably been watching Disney movies instead of looking for a job!” 

Prince scoffed but smiled. “At least I keep my room tidy” A low blow but that desk was truly atrocious. 

“My room is plenty clean and I just moved in what do you expect”? Virgil motioned with his hand to the neatly labeled boxes still left unpacked on his floor. “You know Roman I really thought you’d be all up in my business when I got here” he chucked. “I guess I don’t know you as well as I thought. I assumed that you’d be running around yelling about how my furniture clashed with the paint or something”

“You may not be so far off on that, oh gloomy one. I haven’t looked around at your clashing furniture yet” Roman's lips turned up in a slight smirk. “The only tacky thing I’ve really seen so far is that white board on your door. It made me feel like I was walking past a girls dorm room. And what was with the whole “green” thing anyway?”

Virgil turned red and looked down to his lap. “I guess I just got used to it from when I lived with Patton. You know he has no boundaries so he was always barging into my room randomly.” his fingers squirmed and he seemed to notice because he clutched his knees instead. “So I ended up using the board to tell him he couldn’t just come and go as he pleased”

If Roman was being honest he thought the system was unnecessary and stupid. What stopped him from saying this was still to be explored but, for once, his ego was a bay and he couldn’t bring himself to speak his mind. 

Prince spoke quietly “Well I think it’s a wonderful idea. I can’t say I have never had a dramatic entrance backfire by not knocking” 

Virgil chuckled airily and then silence hung in the air.

Roman sighed suddenly breaking up the hush “Speaking of entrances I really must be getting to bed. I’m sure you stay up all hours of the night but I have an interview in the morning.” he slowly uncrossed his legs and got to his feel gracefully. 

“I’ll try to stay quiet.” Virgil paused. “Goodnight Princy”

He clutched the doorframe and looked back over his shoulder. “Goodnight Verge. I’m really glad you moved in” 

Roman may have left after that but that night he was a ghost in Virgil's room. When he finally decided to sleep all Virgil could picture was the sincerity in Prince’s eyes when he said he was glad Virgil moved in. Virgil couldn’t shake the feeling that it was more than a pleasantry. And so the thought bore in his mind until he drifted off to sleep and dreamed of a cloudless sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Kudos!


	3. Small Talk Can be Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coffee and Gay Chicken

Sometimes it could be hard for Virgil to get back to sleep. He often woke up in the middle of the night and just stayed up. This time it was different. This time he hadn’t just had a nightmare or his insomnia caught up to him. This time it was 2pm and he had slept all night fitfully. He had slept more than enough and that was where the problem lay. 

He listened to Roman bang around in the kitchen and sighed. He was beyond his right to complain really. Normal people woke up by noon at the latest. Normal people didn’t try to go back to sleep at 3. But, Virgil wasn’t normal, not anymore anyway.

The truth of the matter was if honesty was key Virgil was the lock. His denial was so deep it was like a cut to the bone. What made things worse was the voice of reason in his head. It really took on a voice of a happier person. A specific person. His Patton. 

The fact that all his encouraging and positive thoughts took up the personification of Patton was what made this bought of depression so much worse. All the wanted to do was let his mind run where “Patton” would take it. 

The thing was his thoughts would never beat the real thing. There was a much larger force at work against it. Depression reared its ugly head much faster than he could consider any alternative to being miserable. The voice of morality was no match for the longing to fade into nothingness. Patton’s voice just made things worse

So Virgil just stayed in bed, too tired to get up. Too tired to deal with heartbreak. Almost even too tired to move. He went back to sleep.

\---

Roman was worried. Maybe not truly worried but worried enough. Worried enough to text Logan:

Logan said not to worry. Logan said Vigil was just going through a lot. Logan said he would know and Patton would know better. That Patton did know better. 

This though did not ease Roman’s worry. The unscratchable itch. The gnawing feeling in the back of his head. No this made him feel much much worse. He knew some shit had to have gone down. All he really knew was that a wile back Virgil had stopped blushing at Patton. Had stopped smiling at his jokes and turning away trying not to laugh. That Virgil had started scooting his chair unconsciously away from the table when they all hung out. That he had stated making up excuses to bail on every event. That he flaked and glared and was eiratable. That he never smiled. That he turned into an empty husk.

So Roman paced and paced and paced. He tiptoed up the stairs to check the door again and again. Red. Red means leave me alone. Red means go away. Red means stop checking. 

He didn’t even know why he felt this way. His interview had gone great! He had most likely gotten the job and his lunch was delicious. Despite all of this, the nagging didn’t go away. It sat at the top of his head and ate all his thoughts. You don’t really know him Roman; this could be how he usually acts. Patton would know call him. Check on him. I’m sure he’s fine calm down.

It was like a ticking time bomb and it was something Roman wasn’t used too. He was used to thinking completely selfishly. Not paying attention to anyone’s needs but his own. But, all of this was overshadowed by having Virgil living with him. It sparked a need to protect, to worry like a mother hen. Well, maybe not a hen. More like a knight. 

Roman checked one more time (he swore it would be the last) and low and behold the board said yellow. Yellow! Yellow ment knock! Yellow ment maybe instead of no and that was good enough for him.

\---

A soft knock sounded at Virgil's door and he sat up. 

“Fuck” he muttered, getting up. He knew changing the sign would be a bad idea. Roman probably thought it was some kind of pitiful cry for help. Well maybe it was, just a bit. 

He cracked open the door and saw Roman perfectly composed (as usual) holding a cup of coffee. “I didn’t know if you were up yet. You said you stayed up late so I thought this could help. I haven’t seen you all morning”

It was his eyes that betrayed him. They were filled with the same concern Patton’s eyes used to have. Then again Prince had a different approach. He didn’t coo or try to dig deep into Virgil’s head. He just brought a warm drink and a smile. Virgil let him in.

\--- 

They both sat across from each other indian style on the bed warming their hands with coffee mugs. Virgil knew that any silence between them could not be comfortable and this was no exception. This was awkward. Really awkward. 

“So…” Roman squirmed “Um how are things going? Patton told me you work from home so I might not see much of you but, I thought you’d come down for breakfast or something”

Virgil just looked down at his cup and shrugged. 

“What do you do for work exactly?” Roman plastered a fake grin on his face and Virgil could tell he wasn’t used to doing the heavy lifting in small talk. That made him want to smirk but he held it in letting Roman squirm some more. 

Virgil rolled his eyes “Frankly it’s none of your business, Roman. Did you come see me just to berate me with questions about my personal life?” 

“No, no nothing like that. Sue me for wanting to get to know you better.” Roman gritted his teeth but suddenly broke out into a mischievous smile. “You’re probably just embarrassed of your job, huh? I bet you’re one of those webcam porn twinks!” he broke out into laughter. 

Virgil smirked. “You think I’m a twink, yeah? I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing” Roman immediately flushed and stopped laughing. 

“Tha-at’s n- ot what I meant and you know it!” 

“Do I?” Slowly Roman noticed as Virgil leaned over and put a hand on his shoulder, then squeezed. Virgil was pleased to see Roman turn a particularly embarrassing shade of Red. Then Virgil started moving his hand upwards towards Roman’s check, up his neck. Fuck.

“W-what are you doing?” Virgil's hand retreated. 

He slowly looked into Roman’s eyes and they pierced his own. He looked so seriously bashful and it took Roman by surprise when he started cracking up. Gay chicken

Fuck. Vigil was never going to let him live this down. But why the hell was he supposed to be embarrassed when Virgil had come onto him?! He would never understand the game. He wondered if straight guys were making up these stupid games just to mess with him. 

Roman rolled his eyes.

\--- 

That was fucking close. Things were getting too personal for Virgil’s taste. He really didn’t want to tell Roman about his job. He didn’t want to tell him about his living habits. He didn't want to tell him about anything. That would lead to conversations he didn’t want to have. 

Virgil knew that Roman was dying to know about why he moved out of Patton’s place and that was the last thing he wanted to go into. Sure, he might want to talk about it at some point but definitely not now and definity not with Roman. In fact there was only one person he would want to talk to less about this than Roman and he was sure Logan would be at his door next. 

Why the hell did things have to be so complicated?! Why was Roman all up in his business? Why couldn’t he just let him be? Hopefully this little stunt would get Roman out of his room real fast but, Roaman just stayed and stared at his lap. 

Virgil moved his cup to the side table and flopped down on his back. “Well, I think that’s my quota of Roman time for the day. Ta-Ta Princy”

Roman glared daggers into the bed spread and sighed. So much sighing with this one. “You’re not going to get rid of me Verge” He fiddled with the handle of his mug still refusing eye contact. “We’re roommates and I at least, think we're friends.”

“I mean not really. Sure we have mutual friends but does that make us friends?” 

“I’d like to think so… If we aren’t can we at least try.” Roman finally looked up and smiled. It was genuine and pity free, making Virgil's heart skip a beat for the first time in a long time. 

Guilt flooded Virgil’s chest and his face fell fast. “I-uh… I guess we can try”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and kudos! 
> 
> I take requests at my tumblr: AnnieMiku


	4. Habits and Lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Panic Attack, Bullying

Roman wasn’t exactly the most observant type, but slowly he began to notice Virgil's strange habits. Some were obvious, like Virgil’s love for coffee. But other things were somewhat bizarre. For example, Roman once returned home to a kitchen full of black and white cookies and a sink full of dishes. Not only that but it seemed that the measuring cups Virgil had were shaped like black cats. They had little kitty faces and ears on them, with the handle being the cat’s tail. Since when did Virgil bake.

Roman slowly began to look out for the the little habits, the signs Virgil had been somewhere. Sure, he wanted to be annoyed, but then he’s just see charm in it and his heart would melt. The novels left bookmarked by the armrest of a chair. The knick knacks scattered all over the house, multiplying day by day. The tiny paint palette key chain on Virgil's key ring.

Had Virgil been downstairs today? His cup was in the sink. His book had moved. Why hadn’t he looked for me? I would of wanted coffee with him. I would of wanted to see him. Not just the signs he’d been here.

Slowly Roman realised he was falling for someone he didn’t even know. Well, maybe that was just his tendency for romance. Maybe he was just growing soft. Nevertheless, all of these cute quirks made Roman long to reach out. 

So, Roman asked Virgil to lunch and to his surprise he agreed. 

\---

“I still don’t understand why we’re doing this” Virgil was in his usual attire, all black, even in the heat and to make things worse it was 80 out. Roman had insisted they walk to the diner instead of drive. If Virgil was being honest, he hated driving and it made him anxious. But he would much rather drive to minimise his time away from home. He hated leaving home. 

“Virgil, we need to bond. I know you just want to mope about… for reasons” followed by a muttered “reasons you won’t tell me”

“Fuck off.”

“but it’s a nice day and I think we should try to enjoy it. I’m sure we have something in common” This was not really going as Roman had planned. He had planned to sweep Virgil off his feet. Sure they had fought in the past… well that’s really all they’d done in the past, but Roman was determined to win him over. If he was being honest, he really didn’t know if he even liked Virgil or if he was just lonely (or even worse bored). None of that seemed to matter though, all that mattered was seeing Virgil smile again. Laugh again. Even if last time he did it was at Roman’s expense. 

Virgil looked up at the sun and Roman could've sworn he’d hissed. Then, to Roman’s Bliss, he sighed, apparently resigned to talk. “Well… I guess we both like Disney.”

Yes! Something Roman could work with. “Oh yeah! I guess I forgot” He chuckled. “Isn’t that what said Patton introduced us?”

Vigil slumped over even more, looking at his shoes as he walked, hands in his pockets. “yeah it was at one of his stupid mixers.”

\--- 

Virgil was holding onto his generic solo cup like it was a life line. Why was Patton always doing this too him? Why did he have to throw mixers here? I mean wasn’t it his house too?  
He payed rent shouldn’t he have a say?!

To make matters worse Patton seemed to be soloing him out to some stranger he had no interest in meeting. God, all Virgil wanted to do was drink cheap beer, stand awkwardly in the corner and get this stupid thing over with. Couldn’t he and Patton just spend some time alone? How wonderful would that be? The answer: that would be fucking awesome. 

Suddenly Patton popped out of nowhere stranger in tow. “Soooo~ this is Virgil. Roman meet Virgil” Patton gestured to Virgil. “ Virgil meet Roman” They all stood there awkwardly for a second as music blasted in the background. 

Virgil sipped some liquid courage from his cup “Hi”

“Hello there Virgil, Patton’s been telling me a lot about you.” Roman’s smile was too bright. Roman was too nice. To Virgil, Roman looked like a total prick. 

“Ohhh yeah! You two have a ton in common, like… uh” Patton tapped his chin with his finger, looking for something they could possibly have in common. “... Disney! You both like Disney!” Patton was basically yelling at this point and thankfully before things could get much worse, was pulled away by one of his numerous friends, to dance. 

The thing was, things did get worse. The rest of that night Virgil and Roman argued about the dark themes in Disney. Sure, it was kinda half hearted and “all in good fun”, but was not very good for first impressions. Not on either side. 

Virgil had made up his mind. Roman was a prick and Virgil thought that would be the end of it. (Patton had other plans)

And so when Patton asked Virgil how things had gone between them Virgil just shrugged and slipped their hands together, dragging Patton to bed. 

\--- 

“You know come to think of it I can’t for the life of me remember what we talked about. All I really remember was we were together the whole night.” 

Geez what a way to look at a disaster of a night. I guess, it was pretty sweet when he looked at it that way. Maybe Virgil’s view was skewed. Maybe his bias overshadowed the truth. “Yeah that night was kinda fun.” Virgil smiled a quarter of an inch. “You know, I think I’m glad I moved in with you. We never really expanded on… common interests, I guess.”

Roman elbowed Virgil lightly. “Look at you Dark Disaster, you’re becoming a softie. I must be rubbing off on you.”

Virgil grimaced. “God I hope not, you’re a real pain in the ass.”

\--- 

They had finally reached the diner and Roman opened the door with a flourish. 

“Geez you’re so dramatic” Virgil mumbled.

Roman rolled his eyes and went to talk to the hostess. She led them to their table and passed them their menus with a smile. “Let me know when you boys are ready to order, okay?”

Roman thanked her and settled in the booth. There was a beat of silence and to Roman’s surprise Virgil broke it. “How’s the job hunt going?” 

“Well I actually got an offer today. It’s not really my first pick but I think I’m going to take it” Roman fussed with his napkin and looked up to see Virgil chin in his palm, looking out the window. 

“Oh yeah… that’s good I guess” Virgil said. He sounded so disinterested, almost as monotone as Logan. Roman decided to take that as a challenge. 

“Oh come on Virge! Don’t you at least want to hear what the position is? It’s pretty juicy.” This seemed to slightly spark Virgil’s interest and he looked back to Roman. Virgil sighed and nodded.

“It’s actually for a telemarketing line. I figure I can use my charm on some housewives and sell them some worthless shit.” Roman momentarily deflated then. “It’s really not the most glamorous job, but at least it’s something.”

Virgil smiled then and Roman thought he’d been shot by cupid's arrow (fuck Roman chill he’s not even your type). “You know I actually think you’d be quite good at that.” Virgl must of realised this was out of character for him and dropped his grin. “I mean, uh, at least you can pay some of the rent” que the world's most awkward laugh courtesy of Virgil.

The waitress came back and they ordered some food. To Roman everything was fine, but Virgil stumbled through his order and cringed. Virgil could feed his palms get sweaty. He could feel eyes on him. He grew hot and his chest hurt. 

Shit, why now? Now of all times. Why were there so many people here? I can’t breathe. Fuck, I can’t breathe. Virgil prayed he was playing his panic off well, but could feel his breath go. 

His thoughts were interrupted. 

“Is everything okay? Not that I would know, but you seem off” It was true Virgil did seem off. He was fidgeting more than usual and kept looking away from Roman, unable to make eye contact. Even his breath seemed shallow.

“Ah… Well I-uh I am feeling a bit anxious. I don’t normally leave the house much, andithasbeenalongtime.” Virgil ran a shaky hand through his hair and breathed out hard. “God I need a glass of water.”

Roman sprang into action, calling the hostess over. Virgil froze up and looked at his lap, trying to cover his uneven breaths up with his hand. “Hey, do you think you could get us some more water, miss” Roman squinted at her name tag and put on his 100 watt smile. “Val”

“Certainly, I’ll be right back” 

Roman reached over and grabbed Virgil’s hand. Virgil flinched slightly but, didn’t pull away. “Hey, look at me. Breath Virgil breath” He nodded and slowly tried to steady his breaths as Roman counted for him.

Val came back with the waters and Roman handed him the glass as she walked away. Virgil steadied his breath and started gulping water down. 

Roman was really at a loss. He knew vaguely what to do because of an article on his facebook feed, but some vague article on panic attacks did not prepare him for seeing someone (someone,he considered a brick wall) experiencing one. So, Roman just sat there and waited for Virgil to calm down. 

Virgil breathed out and wrung his hands together. “I-I’m sorry. I’m sure you, uh, y-you weren't prepared for that. I- uh I guess I should've told you sooner. I’m not really comfortable talking about it. Long story short I uh haveananxietydisorder.” Virgil stared holes into the ground refusing to look into Roman’s eyes. His knuckles were white from squeezing the table too hard and his face was red with shame. 

“Virgil it’s okay”

Those words seemed to break a spell and Virgil looked up, surprised. He gave a hesitant smile and then frowned again. “Really?”

“Really.” Roman gave a reassuring smile and continued. “I do wish you would've told me. I would of liked to have been prepared.”

Virgil looked back down and took a deep breath. 

Roman’s smile faltered and he spoke “You know if you’re uncomfortable we can go back to the house. I really don’t mind”

“No, no that’s not it at all. It’s just… I have a story to tell you if you really want to understand… well any of it.” Virgil’s eyes shifted around and then landed back on Roman’s. 

Now this had Roman hooked. This had him at the edge of his seat, like he was about to hear some good gossip. He mentally slapped himself. It was not the time to treat someone’s struggle as a good story to hand over. For something to keep him entertained. 

Roman reached over to stop Virgil’s hand from shaking and then pulled back, thinking better of it. “Virgil you don’t need to tell me anything if you’re not ready.” 

To Roman’s surprise Virgil buried his head in his hands. The gesture was not doing anything to ease Roman’s conscience, in fact it unnerved him even more. “No. No, I’m going to tell you. You’re right maybe not all of it but, I’m going to start”

\--- 

Suddenly, he was shoved forcefully into a locker. Books flew everywhere and he fell to the ground. Virgil heard the cackle of laughter and turned to see a group of jocks continuing down the hall. He sighed and began to pick up his books and then noticed that one of the jocks had turned his head over his shoulder. 

“Next time get out of the way,” the jock sneered “Anxiety”

Anxiety. That’s all he ever is to these people. A worthless peice of shit. A mental case. A medicated mess. Anxiety. Not Virgil. Anxiety. 

Virgil gathered all his books and squared his shoulders. Sure, the years of bullying didn’t make it easier but, it did toughen him up... in public. It did train him to have a snarky remark on the tongue. Make him learn to blend in. 

Yes, It did bother him less than it once did. He had learned to keep his head up somewhat. 

There was only one thing that still bothered him. No one, really, knew his real name. Ever since middle school he’d been Anxiety. He’d been Anx. He’d been Ann. Even teachers called him Ann. His foster parents wrote it on his forms because ever since he got his new house he’d refused to say his real name. 

So, maybe it was his own fault. Maybe he should blame his own self pity for his nameless face. For only finding his identity in illness. But, truth be told, He’d rather just blame Logan for giving all the tormentors the ammo they could ever need. 

\---

“People still call me that stupid name.” Virgil sighed. “It makes me sick to think about it”

“Virgil I’m so so sorry”

Yes, Roman didn’t understand. He didn’t understand why Virgil told him at all. All he knew was it was hard for Virgil to do it. That it was important Roman know. And that Virgil was opening up. All that moved Roman. All that made Roman’s heart go out to Virgil. All that made Roman care for Virgil even more.

Virgil looked up to see tears in Roman’s eyes. Had only one piece of the puzzle moved Roman this much? Virgil hadn’t realised he cared at all.

And then, a sad smile creeped on to Virgil’s face. 

And then, they walked home, shoulders bumping.

And then, they sat on the couch watching movies, hand’s inching together.

And only then, did Virgil feel okay again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please comment and kudos! I'm going to try to start updating on weekends for sure and sometimes mid week (lets see how that goes hahaha)
> 
> Tumblr: AnnieMiku


	5. Nightmare Extraordinaire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil has a nightmare and can't let go. Princy saves the day and isn't subtle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING***********
> 
> blood and gore, nightmare, panic attack, self loathing
> 
> I put *** before and after the gore so if you want to just read all but that be one the look out for ***

The screen of the tv glowed bright as studio ghibli movies played in the background of Roman’s thoughts. Even though Roman loved The Red Turtle all he could pay attention too was the curve of Virgil’s face. The blanket fort was vast and almost unrealistically comfortable. Even so, all Roman could feel was the heat in his side where Virgil’s arm was pressed. The quiet symphony of the movie, for Roman, was overshadowed by Virgil’s soft breathing. 

It was almost as if he could reach out right now and take Virgil’s hand. Roman could maybe, hypothetically, cup Virgil’s face. He could lean in just slightly and see the shadows Virgil’s eyelashes left on his face. Eyeshadow and all, Roman could see the small details in his face.

It seemed with all this fantasizing Roman had leaned in after all. Virgil looked up and his eyes were so bright. Their noses were almost touching. He could feel Virgil’s warm breath on his face. They were so painfully close Roman almost wanted too…

And then they were. They were kissing sweet and soft. It wasn’t crude or sloppy. It was more like something out of a dream, innocent and lovely. It was perfect. Like a fairy tail.

But then Virgil pulled back, so suddenly. A terrified expression on his face, white as a sheat. And he was screaming. Tears were pouring down his face and blood was flowing down his temple. And Virgil wouldn’t, couldn’t, stop screaming.

Screaming

Screaming

Screaming

\---

Roman bolted upright, sitting up so fast it made his head spin. Though, the dream was over he could still hear screaming, muffled through the wall. All the adrenaline in his body was focused on one thing. 

Virgil. 

Roman ran out of his bedroom, thankful he’d worn sweatpants to bed and wasn’t half naked. He skidded to a halt just outside of Virgil’s door and flung it open. He didn’t even think, rushing to the bedside and began shaking Virgil frantically, tears pricking his eyes. 

Virgil was flailing and his legs were tangled in the blanket. He was even crying in his sleep, though you could barely tell through the layer of sweat that coated his face. He didn’t even stir as Roman shook him and shook him. This only made Roman’s panic double. Roman didn’t think, he just acted, and with a slap Virgil was sitting up, panting. 

Before Roman could say anything Virgil was in his arms sobbing. Harsh painful sobs that wracked through his whole body. Roman wrapped his arms around Virgil and started rubbing soothing circles into his back on instinct.

“Shhhhh Virgil it’s okay. It’s okay honey. Everything is okay now” Roman whispered.

Virgil’s breaths slowly began to return to normal. In and out, slow and steady. Roman held onto him still. Virgil’s sobs turned into small whimpers. Roman held onto him nonetheless. Virgil tears dried up. Roman stayed a life line. Roman rubbed Virgil’s back. Roman stayed. 

When Virgil was finally calmed down enough to speak he only buried his face into Roman’s shoulder more and mumbled “thank you thank you thank you” And when Roman began to pull away Virgil only pulled him into bed and clung tighter.   
\---

Virgil sat in the living room, waiting. Patton was over 3 hours late getting home and Virgil was starting to worry. It was then the door burst open with enough force to hit the wall. The plaster of the wall cracked and the siding splintered. The angry entrance made him jump. 

Patton smelled of booze and vomit, stumbling his way inside the house. He haphazardly slammed the door and walked over to the couch where Virgil was sitting, frozen. “What yuh st-hic- aring at V-erge?” Patton’s words were slurred and his movement’s were sloppy.

“Cat get cha t-toung?” Patton flopped down next to him and slung an arm sloppily over Virgil’s shoulder. There was a silence and then Patton spoke again “Ehhhh- hic- I seeeee. It’s that stupid psycho illness stuff againn. You worried that someone’s gunnna call you a name.” Patton’s laugh then was cruel. He leaned in and Virgil could feel his putrid breath hot against his own face. “That’s pathetic. Can’t you pull it together for five minutes and give me a rest. I’m tired of dragging you around.” Patton leaned back and sighed, shaking his head in disappointment. 

“Pat, a-are you drunk?” Virgil’s mind was spinning. This had never happened before. Sure, the party animal Patton is, Virgil had seen him drunk. But never like this. Never stunted and glowering. Never terrifying. Never hitting where it hurts. Patton had never even had a harsh word for Virgil. But now… He was like Virgil’s worst nightmare.

A vulgar burp escaped Patton’s lips and he began to hiss. “Don’t be stupid Ann I’m fine. I drove home didn’t I?”

And suddenly Virgil was running. He couldn’t remember when he had gone outside but all he could focus on was the wreckage on the side of the road. 

(if squeamish skip these depictions of the sides dead in a car wreck, it will be over when you see ***) 

He flung open the mangled car door and saw blood. Bright and sticky. The smell of rotting was in the air, overpowering all of Virgil’s scenes. He saw the faces of 4 men, Roman, Logan, Patton and himself. 

Roman and Logan were in the back seat crushed up against the back of the passenger and driver’s seats. Roman’s legs and arms were twisted into impossible positions and his temple was gushing blood. His usual white shirt was dark red with fresh blood. His sash was tangled around his neck.

Logan was much worse. It looked as he had been writing in the car because a pencil was lodged in his eye as if he had been leaning over papers on his lap. Despite this his head was turned and unnaturally twisted somehow. Some of his ribs were jetting out of his chest and his face was covered in the shards of his glasses.

Patton, though, was the worst of them all. His arms were both broken from the impact of the airbag so they had done nothing to protect is caved in chest. It looked as if his lungs had popped and his ribs were in pieces. Virgil knew it was impossible but he could see Patton’s heart still beating. He could see Patton’s eyes still moving, tears pouring from them. 

“You did this”

Patton was right. There in the driver’s seat was Virgil. Hand’s gripping the wheel tightly still. He was unskathed. 

Suddenly Virgil looking in the car was the Virgil who was driving. He could feel the leather of the car’s seat sticking to his thigh. He could feel the shards of glass lodged in his shoulders. He could feel the tingling of his numb hands on the wheel and smell the carnage, smoke and iron. 

And then he was driving, right into a tree. Time wen’t in slow motion and he could see how the bodies of his friends had contorted into the mangled and broken things he had seen. How they all had died. Where dieing. What Broke his heart the most was seeing Patton’s arm jet out in front of Virgil leaving his own chest unguarded. Leaving Patton open to die. 

Virgil was screaming as the crash replayed over and over and over. Each time he failed to save them. Each time they died more horribly. That was until he woke up, his cheek almost raw, still screaming

\--- 

***

 

It was a while until either of them spoke. Roman knew it would break the spell. Virgil knew it would only fill himself with shame of being scared of a nightmare. So they were quiet. Facing each other but, slightly pulled away. Eyes locked. 

Then the quiet broke

“Are you okay?”

Virgil didn’t think even he knew the answer to that. Sure, he knew Roman would want a yes. But, if Virgil gave him a yes, he would go and Virgil sure as hell knew he didn’t want that. So Virgil shook his head no. 

He frowned at that, but after a beat spoke again, “I think that’s fine for now” He brushed a hair out of Virgil’s eyes. “Let’s see if we can change that in the morning”

Roman continued to play with Vigil’s hair and he hummed into the touch, closing his eyes. “As long as you’re not gone by then Princy”

They both fell asleep in eachothers arms

\---

After Virgil’s nightmare things changed between him and Roman. They were much closer now. Somehow Virgil’s clingy nature had gone unnoticed by the little group of friends, and most importantly Roman. But, Roman noticed it now, Roman was now the one being clung too (not that he minded).

The morning after (not like that you pervs) the nightmare, he had been confined to Virgil’s side for the majority of the day. When Roman finally convinced Virgil to leave the bed he held fast to Roman’s waist. As Roman brushed his teeth, they held hands. As Virgil poured cereal there legs were pressed together under the table. Even when Roman “went to work”, meaning telemarketing on the couch, Virgil's head was in his lap, his hair being played with as Roman argued with middle aged women who refused to buy tupperware. 

Roman loved every minute of it. He didn’t care how long it would last. He only cared that it was happening. What Roman thought was just infatuation only grew deeper and became more explainable. No longer a random feeling of longing towards Virgil but, now a deep need to always have him by his side. 

Virgil was more than willing to comply. In fact he seemed to relish in it, even as his need for touch lessened over the following days. 

\---

It wasn’t all cream and peaches though. Roman had started noticing worrying things about Virgil’s habits. They were truly destructive. 

The first was Virgil was so closed off with his emotions, refusing to discuss what the touching ment, why he was avoiding Patton and Logan, what his job was, or even what the nightmare was about. It bothered Roman to no end. How was he supposed to sort out his own feelings if Virgil was being so damn confusing. 

Along with this, it became apparently obvious that Virgil didn’t take care of himself. Roman almost never saw him eat or drink any water. And if he did it was only a few bites of cereal or a sip of an energy drink. Not real sustenance.

Virgil also didn’t sleep. When he had first moved in Roman had thought it was just that Virgil slept mostly in the day, but that was not the case. He often woke up to Virgil making noise in the night and now that Virgil stayed with Roman all day, he could be sure Virgil wasn’t just sleeping in the day.

All of these things were easy to look over when they were only roommates (were they really more than roommates now?) but now it made Roman’s heart ake. He longed not to “fix” Virgil but simply take care of him, keep him safe. To coddle and coo, or at least know Virgil was okay. Every time he asked Roman was given almost less than an answer. Virgil hated to talk about himself, no less well being.

So Roman did his best to help, quietly.

\---

Roman was not subtle, but to be fair neither was Virgil. Roman had been trying to fix him and Virgil could see it from a mile away. It happened at breakfast one morning. 

They were in the kitchen when Roman broke protocol. Virgil being as anxious as he was picked up on little things other people didn’t. In this case, Princy’s habits. Roman usually ate french toast for breakfast with fruit and yogurt. He almost always preheated the oven after looking for Virgil and then (always) sat down at the table to talk to him. Today on the other hand, he filled up a glass of water without even giving the oven a second glance. Alarms rang in Virgil’s head.

“Do you want some water?”

“...No” Did he want some water? Princy was up to something. 

Virgil had seen this before, though Patton was much less subtle (which said something seeing how obvious Princy was). It would start simple enough, maybe “saying goodnight”, maybe clean laundry, but in this case it was a multivitamin. 

“You sure?” Prince was frowning and he looked nervous under his gentle expression. “I decided to start taking a daily vitamin. I thought maybe you’d want one. It can’t hurt you know”

I know what you’re doing and you need to stop it burned on Virgil’s tongue, but he played it cool. “Nah I read about those being a scam. It’s not really my thing anyway.”

Roman laughed. “How can taking a vitamin not be your thing Verge?”

“It just reminds me of those crossfit cult people. I’m sure they started off with one vitamin and now,” Virgil laughed through his nose “they’re running marathons and bragging about how many burpees they can do.”

And with a defeated sigh from Roman that was that. If Roman thought this would be easy, he was sorely mistaken. 

\---

Fuck, Virgil’s not going to make this easy. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t back down from a challenge. (Roman thought)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Comment and Kudos What you think!!!
> 
> I take requests and segestions @ my tumblr imbox
> 
> Tumblr: AnnieMiku


	6. Running and Napping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CUDDLES!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No triggerwarnings :) this chapter's all fluff ya'll!

“How the hell are you so fast? You never even leave the house!” Roman was doubled over at the top of the hill, speaking through labored breaths. 

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t used to, Princy” Virgil smirked and bent to eye level with Roman. “I’ve actually ran a couple of half marathons back in college”

“I think I’m going to need some proof on that one, Hot Topic. You’re definitely not the exercise type.” The more time they spent time together Roman learned more and more about Virgil. He couldn’t deny he loved every new fact he discovered either. Virgil was closed off and didn’t share personal information, or otherwise often. But, Roman had slowly learned the ways Virgil spoke. The ways he let himself shine through risk free. Through this Roman learned not to break Virgil’s walls down with force, but to pick at it, dismantling it pebble by pebble.

Roman straightened up and started walking down the hill, heading back towards home. He wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand and looked over his shoulder at Virgil. 

“You don’t want to go farther? We’ve only gone a mile?” Truth be told Virgil had forgotten how good running made him feel. How it gave him good adrenaline. How it made him feel free. 

“You may be an emo track superstar but I, Virgil dear, am not. Let’s give me a rest and walk home.” Roman reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him along the sidewalk. Virgil was blushing furiously to Roman’s delight.

They held hands the whole way home. 

\---

Truly, Virgil knew Roman was only trying to fix him. At first he had resented it, but after trying to back away from his Prince he realised it was easier to be coddled than to stay away. After that something changed. Virgil began to feel more like he was being taken care of and less like Roman’s actions were trying to change him. So, Virgil started going for runs and drinking water. The best part though, was the naps.

Roman was more than aware that Virgi hadn’t been sleeping as well as he used too. And Virgil knew he knew. The truth of the matter was that Virgil just couldn’t turn his brain off at night. He used to think of sleep as a sweet relief from the stresses of life, but now… it was more like they followed him to bed. 

All this made it much easier to say yes to napping together. 

It started after Virgil’s run one day. Roman had dropped off after the first few runs, but Virgil kept going, not only because it made Princy happy, but because he found a strange joy in it. 

That’s when Roman suggested he take a nap.

\---

Roman was sitting on the couch taking off the headset he used for work and closing his script (which Roman went off of often to his supervisors horror) when Virgil came in. He looked exhausted and that was when Roman knew that Virgil was spreading himself too thin. 

Roman had heard him messing around in the kitchen late last night and had woken up to an alarming amount of chocolate chip cookies the next morning. But, still Virgil had been awake scribbling in a notebook when Roman had gone to wake him up. Not only that, but he came back claiming a 5 mile run. The bags under his eyes were almost more like folds. The dark circles were bruises now, not just hints of stress. Roman knew he had to act. 

“Are you feeling okay Verge? You look exhausted” Roman chewed his lip nervously, fingers crossed for a serious response. 

“Just what a guy want’s to hear. You reealllly know how to charm em’ Roman.” 

Fuck he’s dodging the question. 

Roman turned to face Virgil next to him on the couch, looking into his eyes. “I’m serious Virgil. How much sleep have you been getting?”

The question pounded in Virgil’s head. He really didn’t want to tell. The truth was not much, but that was something he knew Roman would blame himself for. Finally, he decided to bite the bullet. “I think I’ve gotten 4 hours this week… maybe” It came out as mumble instead of the nonchalance Virgil had been going for. 

Roman’s eyes widened and he took in a breath. He looked down, thinking and then grabbed Virgil by the shoulders, regaining eye contact. “Virgil it’s time for bed”

Before Virgil knew what was happening he was being pulled up from the couch and shoved in the direction of his room.

“Get on some pj’s, darling. Don’t think I’m letting you off to slink to your room and go on the internet.” 

It seemed like he had no choice, and to be honest, Virgil was too tired to care. Too tired to notice the pet names. To notice the kindness in his voice. To notice all of Roman’s affection towards him. 

He pulled on some maleficent pajama pants and got into a black hoodie. 

Why was he even doing this? Sure he liked Princy. In fact he liked him a lot. Maybe even too much. But, napping together? That seemed less than platonic and to Virgil that felt like a betrayal to his past. To the one. How could he be hopelessly lovesick and crave Princy at the same time. It didn’t make sense that he could love them both. Then again, that’s what had started the whole mess with Patton anyway. 

Virgil shook away his thoughts when Roman peeked in the door. “Come on sleepless beauty, it’s nap time” Roman’s giddy smile could blind a child it was so bright; 1000 watts was an understatement. It was almost infectious. 

Virgil grimaced and walked over to Roman, letting him take his hand and guide him to Princy’s room. Though they had lived together for almost 3 months now, Virgil had only seen brief glimpses of Roman’s room. Seeing it now though, he was pleased to see the his impression of Roman was clearly reflected in his room.

Roman had a king sized bed, that took up more than it’s fair share of the space. Virgil nearly drooled looking at it (NOT like that you pervs!!), it was covered in the most comfortable looking pillows and blankets Virgil had ever seen. There were stacks throw pillows surrounding the bed, which wasn't really a bed but too mattresses stacked on top of each other (the top one memory foam) and more blankets covering the floor. 

Roman’s walls were covered in posters and paintings alike. The paintings were textured and unique, framed in gold. The posters on the other hand were taped and tacked haphazardly. It was almost as if all the things Roman liked were sucked up into a tornado and landed down in the perfect spots. 

Roman must have noticed Virgil taking it all in because he started pulling Virgil to the bed, speaking as he went. “I know it’s a bit of a… modge podge, but I think everything’s in just the right place, you know?”

Virgil smiled and nodded slowly eyes still stuck to the walls of art as he took in every piece. “It’s completely you, Roman, and I like that” The sincerity in his voice was almost palpable.

Roman began to blush and sat down on the edge of the mattresses. He only managed a mumbled “thanks” before abruptly changing the subject to how much he loved Virgil’s pj’s and how he “didn’t even know they made villain themed pajama pants!”

Virgil rolled his eyes and sat down next to Roman. He slowly peeled off his socks as Roman blathered on about how Disney merch was beginning to be more scarce in retail stores. Virgil was too tired to listen and grew bored quickly, biting back a yawn.

Finally, Virgil gave up and pulled back a few layers of blankets as Roman continued to speak. He signed and wrapped his arms around Roman’s waist slowly tipping them both over so they were laying on their sides. Then he flung the blankets over them both, making sure his pillow was in the right position. 

Virgil was too tired to realise, but in his exhaustion he had ended up spooning the royal. Curling his arms around him and breathing softly, he fell into a deep sleep. 

\---

“And that’s why-- Oh!” he was suddenly pulled down to the bed.

Roman had known he was stalling. Sure he had confidence when he suggested it, but in reality, he grew more nervous than he thought he ever could. So he just started chattering; He. Couldn’t. Stop. Talking. 

And then… Virgil had taken control. Let him know he wanted this as much as he himself did. 

Still, Roman was tense, frozen in fact. He had wanted this so badly. Wanted to be close to Virgil ever since they had slept in the same bed the first time. Ever since the nightmare that brought on this whole mess of feelings. But, he was some how unable to relax. So afraid that he would mess this up.

That was when felt Virgil nuzzle into the back of his neck and sigh. Slowly, so slowly, (though in reality it was less than a minute) Roman heard Virgil’s breath slow and even out. He felt Virgil run into sleep's open arms and let exhaustion take over. Only then was he able to melt into Virgil's embrace and enjoy the moment. 

The last thing the remembered before he fell asleep was Virgil's sweet smell enveloping him. He smelled like fresh laundry, pencil shavings and honestly a little sweaty. But it didn't matter because to Roman, Virgil smelled like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please tell me what you think in the comments! Kudos mean the world and comments mean even more!!
> 
> Also, mentaly prepare youself for angst next chapter )`: (or :D idk what ur into, dude)
> 
> I take requests @ my tumblr inbox 
> 
> Tumblr: AnnieMiku


	7. A Careful Kind of Hungry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Self-hate, Guilt, Panic, Paranoia, Not eating/eating disorders

Virgil was starving, in fact he hadn’t eaten in days. He clutched his stomach and groaned as it cramped up. Roman was calling him downstairs for dinner. He knew he wouldn’t be eating, not this meal, not the next. He would go without eating for as long as he could muster. The churning in his stomach was too much for him to stand a single bite.

 

When he thought about it, he wondered how he hadn’t tuned to this sooner. He had been doing so well now that Princy was looking out for him. Virgil’s acceptance of the care was short lived. Guilt seeped into his skin, as easy as water. His fingers growing pruny with the weight of knowing he couldn’t care for himself. It was something he should have foreseen from the start. Virgil knew he had a habit of getting in the way of good things.

 

He felt like he was distracting him. Roman was so lovely and Virgil knew he didn’t deserve him. Roman was meant to perform, to make an impact on the world. But, no, he spent all his time taking care of Virgil. Instead of chasing his dreams he sat on the couch, working for a little over minimum wage at a dead end job.

 

Sure, he said he enjoyed his job. In fact, he was constantly reassuring Virgil he did. He said he loved being able to spend more time with him rather than at some stuffy office. Deep down Virgil knew he was lying. Playing a part to make Virgil feel better about burdening him. He knew that Roman’s actions were fueled by pity and not even close to anything more than basic human obligation.

 

Still his dumb brain hoped. It hoped Roman would like him back. That his actions were actually fueled by love. That he was more to Roman than a charity case. If only it were true; Virgil would give anything for his hopes to be a reality.

 

What made things worse is that Roman still cooked for him. At the beginning of things Virgil just stuck to cereal and the occasional smoothie, if worst came to worst. Roman began to realise that and started to cook for him. At first it was simple things, but now they were getting more extravagant. The more creative Roman got, the more Virgil’s stomach hurt. The more his stomach hurt the more he refused to eat. It was a vicious cycle.

 

Even now he was pushing food around on his plate, a frown on his face, as his stomach whorled making him even sicker. How could he eat when he was being eaten alive? How could he strive to live when Roman was doing it for him?

 

\---

 

Something had to be wrong with Virgil. Though some considered Roman a person with his head stuck in the clouds, he could be very observant when it came to those he… liked. But, truly, it was more than that. He didn’t just like Virgil, he wanted to protect him. Wanted to save him from the worries of the world. Even if that meant saving him from himself.

 

“Honey, you need to eat something.” The words came out harsher than Roman wanted them too. They sounded less worried and more condescending.

 

Virgil looked up like he had just gotten out of a daze. This must really be taking a toll. “I _am_ eating.” he mumbled, looking back down at his nearly untouched plate. They had been sitting here for over half an hour, in near silence.

 

Roman sighed, face contorting into a grimace. “Virgil. You really don’t think I notice? You have barely touched you food. Not only today but, every day this week.” The look Roman gave him was so sincere that Virgil’s heart melted. “Please, please just eat something. If not for you than for me.”

 

Virgil couldn't look away. Princy’s words had hit him like a ton of bricks. It only quelled his worries for an instant, but it was enough. He stood up, hesitating when he saw Roman’s face break. Virgil got a piece of bread from the cabinet and walked over to the toaster. He stuck the bread in the toaster and pressed down the lever.

 

Roman turned and Virgil saw the joy in his eyes. The releaf in his smile. Virgil flushed red and looked at his toes, breaking the moment

 

“Thank you” It was only a whisper, but it gave one final push.  


Virgil ate his toast.

 

\---

 

The next five days were not as productive in Virgil’s quest to ease his stomach. He hated his feelings. He was famished, but his thoughts quelled his resolve. This all to say, meals were far and few between.

 

He was in his room staring at a blank page. He just wanted to put something, _anything,_ down on the page. He couldn’t focus. His hands kept shaking as he tried to keep his thoughts at bay. Reading, drawing, any distraction really was prevented by his shaking hands and whirling thoughts; he couldn’t even play videogames without dying right off the bat.

 

Worst of all he was so drained, even more than usual. He kept falling asleep at the worst times. He stopped running completely, opting to nap with Roman after he finished working.

 

Then there was Roman. Roman was always on his back. Leaving toast and coffee at his door every morning, not coming in when the board said red. Roman nagged him to confess what was wrong. He tried and failed to keep Virgil close with excessive gestures. And of course this only made things worse; only made Virgil more agitated, more guilty.

 

Virgil started snapping at Roman and starting pointless arguments --  so Roman started giving him space. Stopped leaving gifts and notes. Soon even the toast stopped.

 

This didn’t stop Virgil’s refusal to eat. He thought it would. He truly believed if he stopped burdening Roman he would feel at ease. But, not having Roman just made him crave the care instead of dread it. It Filled his stomach with regret instead of guilt.

 

As he thought of all this, head swimming, he snapped. He shoved the contents of his desk to the ground with one swoop of the arm. He shrugged on his jacket and slipped on his shoes. The door slammed behind him and he stomped down the stairs.

 

Roman yelled after him, but Virgil didn’t care. He needed to leave, _now._

 

His keys had been in the same place since he got here. They were on the hook by the door taunting him. He stared them down, took a deep breath and grabbed them. His worries wouldn’t stop him in his radge. They had been keeping him down for too long.

 

Virgil backed out of the driveway and saw Roman leap off the top step of the stoop. He heard Roman yell for him as he drove away. The chase didn’t last long as Roman ran after him (“Where are you going?! Virgil come back!”). Virgil couldn’t be bothered to care, he needed to escape.

 

\---

 

You might be surprised to find out Virgil’s safe space was so crowded. People flooded in between stalls at a fast pace, shouting whatever they wanted to buy at the top of their lungs. It wasn’t _really_ a market like the sign said. It was more of a warehouse with booths. Like a farmers market on crack. Virgil loved it nonetheless.

 

The crowd made things easier. He could blend in. No one was looking at him, they were all too absorbed in getting a good deal on fruit. Virgil didn’t have to think about where to go next, he had nothing to do. No one would call him a loiterer, there were too many people to keep track of. He was safe from social persecution. The walls were open, an easy exit. Virgil was at peace.

 

Well, he was at peace and then…  the safe feeling went away, just like that. One second he was happy, the next he was panicked.He could feel eyes on him. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. He started sweating. And then he pushed it down,  ignored it and breathed.

 

He got a sweet bun, he walked across the street to a park, he sat on a bench and he breathed again. “Everything is going to be okay” Virgil whispered to himself, the familiar mantra falling easily off his tongue.

 

But, as soon as it was gone it came back. Again he felt like he was being watched. He looked at the shaking hands in his lap and that was that. He refused feel like this! This place was supposed to be safe and he needed to face his own paranoia. He got up and turned, expecting to see nothing, but what was there filled him with both longing and pure sorrow.

 

Patton and Logan were standing there still as stone. They looked like they had been caught with there hands in the cookie jar and maybe they had.

 

Patton was reaching out when his face broke. The look on his face was terrible to see. So sad, yet filled with so much love. “Virgil”

 

Then Logan grabbed Patton’s shoulder, startling Virgil and Patton both. Patton turned slightly and looked at him, confusion now painted on his face.

 

Logan began to speak so calmly it chilled Virgil to the bone. “Pat, he needs space. We promised him space and we can’t break his trust. This is not how I’m letting us reunite, I won’t have it like this”

 

And like that the spell was broken. Virgil ran. He ran so fast he could feel the wind on his face. If he was in his right mind he would've just went back into the market. He would of just seamlessly merged with the crowd.

 

Instead he ran the six miles home, like a moron.

 

\---

 

Roman was sitting on the couch, leg jiggling out of control. He started chewing on his nails. He couldn't be bothered to care if the clear coat of varnish was damaged. He was too worried about Virgil to care about his nails. All he could focus on was Virgil.

 

It had been over an hour, but what could he do. He had called Virgil only to hear his phone in the other room. He couldn't drive after him, Roman had no clue where he would even go. Roman had never even seen him drive before.

 

And then he heard a phone ring. He instinctively reached into his pocket and then realised that it was coming from the kitchen. He jumped up and sprinted to the kitchen, where he had left Virgil's phone. Just as he reached for it it stopped. _Damn._

 

Then it went off again. Roman picked up the phone and gaped as he saw a picture of Logan smiling as Virgil kissed him on the cheek. He dropped the phone as if it was infected.

 

“No. No. No. No. _No._ This can’t be.” Roman dragged his hands across his face and then dropped them at his side. He began to pace then and felt the urge to yell. He couldn’t handle this and he couldn't handle the silence so he started to organise his feelings aloud once again.

 

“B-but it was supposed to be Patton. I could take Patton” Roman turned on his heels and went back in the direction of Virgil’s phone. “ _Logan!_ Virgil really dated _Logan?_ Were he and Patton just friends then? That can’t be it. They were so touchy”

 

None of this made sense. How could Roman have been so off in his assumptions!  It wasn’t Patton, it was _Logan._ If it had been Patton, Roman could’ve accepted it might have ended on good terms. But, Roman knew Logan. He knew that Logan had broken Virgil and that wouldn't stand.

 

Before Roman could act on this knowledge he heard the key in the lock of the front door. He ran to the living room and the door opened fast, slamming against the wall. Virgil was in Roman’s arms before he could even bat an eyelash. Sobbs shook his body, he was shaking so hard.

 

What else could Roman do but hold him tight?

 

Virgil melted even more as arms wrapped around him and Roman couldn’t help but notice a pastry bag clutched in Virgil's hand when they finally pulled apart.

 

They were going to have a lot to talk about, but it was late. It could wait until tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to give a shoutout to my new beta FanFicLover1998 (here on ao3) or GuessMyName17 (on Tumblr)! They're amazing and deserve some love!
> 
> As always, COMMENTS and kudos are so much of an encouragement for me to write more! 
> 
> Thank you all for reading this and for your support!
> 
> I take requests on my Tumblr (anniemiku).


	8. Preventing Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self-doubt (??)

Roman couldn’t sleep. He  _ should _ feel fine, like he’d won a prize. He  _ should _ be able to rest easy knowing he had Virgil fully in his care. This confrontation had only been communicated to Roman in snippets between sobs, but it seemed like things between Virgil and Logan were truly over now, all lingering feelings gone. Shouldn’t that make him feel more confident in Virgil’s feelings for him? Somehow it made him less sure Virgil even gave him a second thought. 

 

The truth was not this easy. Roman still felt like there was an emotional disconnect between him and Virgil. Would Virgil have cried for him if they parted? Yes, that was a pretty immature thing to think. It was an unreasonable comparison. Still, it kept Roman awake. 

 

He looked over to the black ball beside him. Virgil was curled up into a fetal position drowning in a particularly tattered hoodie. He looked isolated in the colorful blankets of Roman’s bed. He looked like he didn’t belong there. Roman wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold him tight, but something was stopping him. It just didn’t feel right.

 

Lately Roman had been feeling like a bad person when it came to Virgil. He had been feeling like he was smothering him, being too possessive. That wasn’t healthy behavior. He knew he was somehow taking advantage of Virgil’s emotionally unstable state. If Virgil had shown he reciprocated Roman’s feelings it would be different. Everything would be more… normal, things would make sense. Roman wouldn’t feel like a thief in the night, stealing someone’s loved one. 

 

There was only one way to figure out if he was being a villain or not. He had to figure out the whole story. If he knew who was together and for how long he would feel better. Maybe they had broken up months ago. No, the wounds wouldn’t be this fresh if that was true. 

 

Roman knew what he had to do. He had to confront Virgil head on. He couldn’t be a crappy detective like always and skirt around the story. He needed to know if he had a chance; If he was being noble in his quest for Virgil’s heart or if he was an ex boyfriend stealing bastard. 

 

Roman’s thoughts were interrupted by a phone ringing and he lunged towards the bedside table where Virgil’s phone was perched. He grabbed the still ringing phone and fumbled with the ringer, eventually able to silence it. 

 

It was then Roman saw Patton’s face lighting up the screen. Patton was beaming as per usual, holding the camera and Virgil was covering his face with his hands. The most interesting part of the photo wasn’t Virgil not wanting his picture taken, but it was that it seemed like he was almost sitting on Patton’s lap. The photo cut off before Roman could tell for sure. It seemed odd to him at first, then he remembered how touchy Patton was. Maybe that’s where Virgil’s cuddle urges stemmed from. 

 

Roman studied the picture for another moment before he contemplated answering. Yes, he  _ could _ wait for Virgil to wake up; He  _ could _ confront him at the breakfast table, but this was much more tempting. Patton wouldn’t lie after all, would he?

 

He shoved the thought from his head. He couldn’t break Virgil's trust, he had _ just _ gotten it! It was only a short while ago that Virgil even wanted to leave his room and now look at him, curled up in Roman’s bed. No, this wasn’t an option.

 

But, as the night went on, the number of calls (from both Patton and Logan, alike) multiplied. Roman’s willpower was almost on empty when Virgil woke up that morning. Then to his dismay, Virgil didn’t give the messages a second glance. He just shut off his phone and threw it on the bed. 

 

“How ‘bout waffles for breakfast Princy?”

 

\---

 

Virgil had wanted to postpone this for as long as humanly possible from the start. He knew it would come, especially after he gained this…  _ thing _ for Roman. Knowing it was coming didn’t make it any easier. In fact, all the time that had passed made Virgil hope it would never come, but, no, the questions had to come. It was inevitable.  

 

Princy had tried to be subtle for about .2 seconds. The breakfast had been truly enjoyable before that. Then all of the sudden.

 

“So um… what happened with Logan last night.” Princy shut his mouth with a snap, as if the words had fallen out of his mouth of there own free will. 

 

Virgil nearly choked on his bite of waffle and Roman started to backtrack with a sharp nervous laugh and hurried, scrambled speaking. “It’s just, oh gosh, well he and Patton were calling all night and I thought, maybe, that it had something to do with what happened last night. If you d-don’t want to answer that’s okay but, um, I just got curious, you know? And I-”

 

Virgil cut off the ramble by covering Roman’s mouth with his palm. He let a deep breath out and lowered his hand slowly back down to the table. “Shut up for a second. I need to organize my thoughts.” Virgil's words came out harsh and the silence felt like hours instead of minutes. 

 

What should he tell Roman? The hard nights or the easy ones? The love, the fall or everything in between? Truly, he didn’t want to think of it at all. He wanted to explore what was newly blooming in his heart. To Virgil, they were in the past, as wonderful as they once were to him. Virgil wanted something new. Virgil wanted his Prince. 

 

And that was when Virgil looked up and leaned in. Roman had been waiting in nervous anticipation; He had been waiting for answers, but what came next was much better (at least in that moment).

 

The kiss was sweet, it was pure and it was  _ so very soft _ . Virgil’s lips tasted like syrup and cream and he parted them just slightly drinking Roman in. To Virgil, it wasn’t only a sudden urge relieved, but an ill thought out diversion from conversations of his past. Nevertheless, the kiss was filled with passion and Virgil didn't regret it for a second.

 

Roman was just as hungry, mirroring Virgil's movements as best as he could. The impulsiveness of the moment had caught him off guard at first, but in time he melted and so did his heart. Roman moved his hand and rested it on Virgil's cheek. 

 

The feeling of a hand on Virgil’s face was what snapped him out of it. All of the sudden dread flooded back into his system, his brain filled with panicked thoughts. How could he have done this? Was his want overpowering his rational thought?  _ God, I’m such an idiot.  _

 

With that, Virgil left Roman awkwardly leaning over the kitchen table and ran to his room. He left Roman with one thought: “I need to call Logan.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to my beta FanFicLover1998 (ao3) or GuessMyName17 (Tumblr)! They are wonderful and deserve so much praise for all the help and encouragement!
> 
> Speaking of encouragement I've been having a bit of writer's block and comments keep me going. Kudos are nice as well! (Idk man do what you want; I'm not your boss lol.)
> 
> Taking Requests on Tumblr: anniemiku


	9. A Confrontation Goes Awry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Suicide mention, self-harm mention, depression, anxiety, yelling, crying
> 
> (If I missed anything let me know)

The morning had been a mad dash for Roman. He had to get to the cafe by 9 and he had decided against an alarm when Virgil asked to stay in Roman’s room for a second night. Virgil had enough trouble with sleep as it was and Roman didn't want to add to it. 

 

Now he was terribly late and started pulling on the first clothes he saw on the floor. He brushed his teeth, pulled a comb through his hair and grabbed his keys, running out the door around 8:55. 

 

This was going to be hell.

 

\--- 

 

Roman pulled into the cafe parking lot and tried not to cringe at being 10 minutes late. Logan and Patton probably already thought he was an ass hole, so adding lateness on top of that was not the best move. Then again, maybe they were the ones in the wrong here. Who know’s what had gone down with Logan and Virgil. Logan could have been a dick to him and had deserved getting dumped on his ass. 

 

He sighed and opened the car door. It wasn’t wise to jump to conclusions, that’s why he’s here after all isn’t it? To get the whole story from someone who wasn’t biased by negativity? Sure, Patton would probably make light of things, but Logan would undoubtedly give it to him straight. Even if he was in the wrong, Logan would never lie, make light or exaggerate a story, no matter how painful it may be. 

 

\---

 

The door’s bell jingled and Roman immediately saw Logan and Patton chatting nervously at a semi-secluded circle booth. He was tempted to run back to his car and blow this whole thing off, but gathered his confidence and sucked it up. How bad could it be?

 

Roman sat down and slowly looked up. His nerves had grown at the silence he was greeted with upon being seen. Surprisingly, It was Logan and Patton looking bashful and guilty. It was truly the most miserable Roman had ever seen the both of them. 

 

Patton looked as if he was about to burst into tears at any moment; His eyebrows were turned up and his frown was focused on the napkin holder in the center of the table. Logan shared a somewhat similar look, but his gaze bored into Roman’s with a certain intensity he couldn’t place. Where Patton was fiddling with his hands in his lap, Logan had his hands folded firmly across the table. It should have been unsettling, but the guilt Roman saw in their faces somehow settled his nerves a fraction of an inch. 

 

Despite all this Patton was the first to speak “Is Virgil okay? Is my Virgil okay, Roman!?” His eyes were still focused on the napkin holder, but were filling with tears. 

 

“He’s fine Pat.” Roman said. Patton sighed in relief and his hands momentarily stilled before continuing to squirm again.

 

Logan spoke then, “What exactly do you know about Virgil’s situation, Roman?” His eye twitched slightly like the question had been driving him crazy and he couldn't stand one more second not knowing the answer. 

 

Roman paused and looked down. “Nothing really, except that you and him dated, Logan.”

 

Patton looked up from the table, shocked and glanced over a Logan in what seemed like panic. Logan returned it with a calming look. 

 

What happened next, Roman never would've expected; Logan started to tear up and he rubbed the heel of his hands against his eyes. His body shuddered slightly and then he regained his composure, putting his hands back on the table. He rewound them into a white-knuckled strain. “I think it would be best for Patton to do the talking”

 

Before Patton could utter a word a perky barista came over asking for their orders. The interruption was annoying, but it broke up some of the tension, if only momentarily. Logan ordered him and Patton coffee’s (Patton’s with ample cream and sugar) and Roman ordered a tea, two sugars. The barista made a comment about how plain they all were with their orders and left with a huff. (It must have been a particularly slow day if the barista was complaining about simple orders)

 

“For the love of God can someone please tell me what the hell is going on!” The outburst from Princy wasn’t particularly loud, but caught the attention of an elderly couple at the table closest to their own. Roman earned himself a glare from them before they went back to talking. 

 

It was Patton’s turn to sigh, as Logan was looking even more mournful, but Patton again was interrupted as Logan’s eyes suddenly widened and he spoke strained words “Is… is t-that Virgil’s sweatshirt.”    
  


Roman looked down and he noticed for the first time he was wearing Virgil's hoodie. It wasn’t Virgil’s favorite (the one with the Purple patches and stitches was), but he still wore it often. He must have thrown it off when he got hot last night. The sleeves were worn and picked at and the material was bulky and black. It was unmistakable even to Logan; It  _ was _ Virgil’s hoodie.  _ Shit! Roman must have grabbed it in his mad dash for the door. _

 

Logan simply collapsed onto the table this time. He wasn’t used to having many emotions and these were the complicated kind. His head was in his arms and he was almost sobbing as the barista came back with their orders. “Geez, someone’s not a morning person”  _ Could the damn barista stop interrupting for one second. _

 

Patton thanked them with a lackluster smile and a dry laugh before moving his hand to rub soothing circles into Logan’s back. Roman tried to explain why he had the sweatshirt, but was put to a stop when Logan spoke a muffled “Just get this over with Patton. I just… I just want to go home” came from the heap that was Logan before another sob racked his body. 

 

“I suppose I should start with this: Logan, Virgil and I were all in a relationship for some time.” Patton paused, digesting the surprised look on Roman’s face, and then continued. “It was just me and Virgil for the last 2 years of our time at college, but then we met Logan. As you know me and Logan work at the highschool together and Virgil often tagged along. It turned out they knew each other. At first… well at first things weren't too peachy between Logan and Virgil. They have a somewhat” Patton paused looking for the right word. “... complicated past. Soon enough the fates brought us all together, though.” Patton seemed to snap back to the real world after this and his somewhat dreamy expression was replaced with a disheartening grimace. “Then all hell broke loose 6 months later.”

 

There was a period of silence as Roman soaked in this information. Not only were all three of them all in a relationship, but it had lasted a long time. It had been a little over a year since Patton started working at that particular high school and it sounded as if Logan had been adapted into their relationship soon after him and Virgil reconciled their “complicated past”. 

 

How had he not figured this out sooner! He had known Patton since his own high school days and Patton had always told him everything. He had asked almost right after he met Virgil if Patton and Virgil were dating and Paton had replied vaguely. How could he be so dense? They lived together for Pete's sake!

 

Above all this what bothered Roman was the cliffhanger Patton had left him with. They seemed like they would all click perfectly, so why did they break up?; Their relationship was much more likely than Roman and Virgil getting together. After all, He and Virgil were as different as night and day. Patton could cheer up the gloomy gus and pamper him. Logan could ground him with Logic and soothe him with reassuring facts. All Roman managed to do for Virgil was become a semi-decent rebound. 

 

In the end, Roman  _ had  _ to ask before he could leave. He had to know what had gone down before he could decide the what was the right course of action. And so timidly he asked,“What happened Patton?”

 

Patton was momentarily stunned for a second and spluttered into his coffee cup. Even Logan looked up from his heap and paused momentarily before once again burying his head in his arms.

“Well...um w-what happened was…” Patton paused again and looked down into cup before setting it back on the table. “It’s really a long story, and I…I don’t know if it’s mine to tell” 

 

No,  _ no!  _ He needed to know. Roman was tired of all the confusing hinting. He was tired of being out of the loop. This was happening now. 

 

Roman took Patton’s hand’s in his own and began to speak in a choked up voice, tears welling up in his own eyes. “Please Patton.  _ Please please  _ tell me what happened. I  _ need  _ to know”

 

Patton looked back at him in shock once again and then his face melted into sympathy and care. He was about to speak when Logan cut in; He was out of his trance, but somehow looked even more devastated than before. “It’s my turn”

 

\---

 

“It was like a light switch had been flipped in Virgil’s head when everything went downhill. He started thinking even less positive than before and he complained that his head throbbed from overthinking. He grew sluggish from all the energy it wasted and often slept his day’s away and stayed awake thinking all night.” Logan rubbed a finger over his knuckles and breathed in.

 

“Me and Patton were worried of course. We tried almost everything. I sat in his room most nights and read to him. Patton tried to get him to work on his projects or even just eat something. He refused to be helped. He refused to explain what was wrong. Obviously, he was depressed, but if he didn’t work with us what could we do to help him?” Logan started breathing heavy and ran a shaky hand through his hair. Roman realized he was still holding Patton’s hands. He let go of them and Patton immediately moved to start rubbing Logan’s back soothingly. 

 

“Yes, Virgil was always very anxious and sometimes had bouts of depression. He was especially anxious about telling people about his relationship with Patton, no less the relationship he had with all 3 of us. This though was so much worse. It lasted almost 3 months… until he” A sob broke out of Logan and tears were running down his face. He rested his head in his hands and the next words came out muffled “Until… Until h-he”

 

Logan burst then. He cracked and broke. His hysterics came flowing out of him; Tears and hiccups and panicked tapping.  “He was lying on the floor! He looked like a sleeping child, but the water was everywhere. The cup had been knocked over and there was glass on the floor and in his feet. Blood pooled out of his feet and his wrists and his thighs. Vomit laced the front of his shirt and I ran. I ran to him, Roman! I saw him lying there and I saw him dead!” 

 

People were staring at the 3, but none of them cared enough to eavesdrop or come over. Roman, Patton, and Logan took a moment as pain stabbed them all simultaneously, taking them to an even darker place. Taking them all back to that place, that moment, that panic.

 

Patton wiped his face only just managing to pull himself together. “Roman, the night you lost your job we were planning to do an intervention. It had been 2 weeks since the attempt and we were going to admit him into a psych ward. When you left to take your call we told him and he panicked. So, when you said you needed a roommate he jumped at the chance to escape. I-It was really our fault though. We shouldn’t have...”

 

Roman tuned it all out. This was his doing. Virgil was still sick because of him. Roman wasn’t helping him. He was hurting him! In that moment he knew he had to fix this. He had to make it right even if that meant losing Virgil. 

 

That was when Roman broke the silence that had bloomed:

 

“I’m going to bring him back to you guys. I promise.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so so much for reading! I'm getting back into the groove of things so I spent a little longer than usual on this chapter. Thanks again to my beta FanFicLover1998 (ao3) or GuessMyName17 (Tumblr) for the feedback and editing help!
> 
> As always comments help a lot and kudos are good too!
> 
> Taking Requests on Tumblr: anniemiku


	10. Boxes and Ladders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: self-hate, confrontation
> 
> (If I missed anything let me know)

Something was off. Not just off as in the table have moved a foot over. Not just off as in a coffee brand changing its flavor. No, this was something more; Virgil had sensed this before, but he couldn’t put his finger on where. 

 

Princy was sitting too close to him. Yes, he always had done that or at least had since their… involvement began, but this was different. His fingers were digging into Virgil’s shoulder like he was afraid if he loosened his grip Virgil would evaporate into thin air. Roman’s eyes were so very sad and he looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. Wasn’t that supposed to be Virgil’s territory? Virgil had never seen him like this before and it made his unease double. 

 

The worst part was the longing… or whatever it was. All Virgil knew was that Roman kept staring at him instead of the movie. Every once and awhile Virgil would make a show of catching him in the act, but it was just that: an act. Virgil was too anxious to not notice the little things and in turn, sensed Roman’s gaze constantly throughout the movie.

 

Finally, he broke, turning to face Roman, yelling “What the hell is up with you today?! You’re just about bruising my shoulder with your iron grip and you keep staring at me!”

 

Roman blinked slowly and his frown deepened. He opened his mouth as if to speak and then closed it again. Virgil had had enough. Why did everything in his life have to turn sour when things were looking up!? Why was his prince so stunted and why did it bother him so much?

 

He stood up quickly, planning on heading to his room before Roman grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down again. Virgil fell back and landed onto Roman’s lab sideways with a plop. Before he could even process what was happening Roman’s arms were wrapped around him.

 

Just like that Virgil wasn’t mad anymore. His anger flew off in the wind and he settled into the embrace as Roman sobbed into his shoulder. Yes, he still had no clue what was going on, but somehow he was okay with that; for once he needed no control. In that moment Virgil knew it was time to put his petty anger aside and be there for Roman, just as Roman had been there for him. 

 

\---

 

That night for Roman was full of sweet dreams and forgotten stresses. He felt safe with Virgil there with him and felt that Virgil was safe with him as well. When he would wake he would be stuck with reality. He would know that this new safe wasn’t enough and he needed to make things right. That he needed to put the pieces back together, putting Patton, Logan, and Virgil back in their proper box. Back in the relationship he was boxed out of (yes, that’s a pun lol). The thought would seed in his head and not let go in the morning, but for now Roman was in rest.

 

\--- 

 

The next morning Virgil woke to Roman’s eyes boring into his skin. He could feel it even before he opened his eyes and braced himself for the worst. Luckily the worst didn’t come and he was only greeted with amber eyes and a “Good Morning, rain cloud” (Sunshine wouldn’t quite fit him, would it?)

 

The breakfast table was even worse. The toast dried Virgil’s mouth out and made his words stick in his throat. Princy just jabbered on about nothing and sung as he made scrambled eggs. 

 

It was like nothing had happened. Like nothing was wrong, but didn’t Virgil do the same thing? Avoid and hope for no confrontation? What came out of that? Nothing;  _ they _ always got it out of him, until they didn’t. 

 

Princy sat down at the table and plated a small scoop of eggs he was sure Virgil would only pretend to eat. He sighed and stabbed an egg clump with his fork before shoving it in his mouth. This was when Virgil made his attack. 

 

“Spit it out, Roman.” (for a second he almost spit the bite of egg back on his plate) “What’s wrong? What do you know?” Virgil jabbed the fork he had been shoving eggs around with at Roman’s chest accusingly. Roman swallowed the egg agonizingly slow, stunned.

 

Immediately Roman thought of Logan because hadn’t he just said the same thing 3 day’s before even if it was in different words? Even if it was less blunt? 

 

Yes, Logan had demanded information, but this was somehow more full. Forceful and blunt and coming from the mouth of Virgil: the confrontation free man. Roman couldn’t avoid; he couldn’t change the subject; he couldn’t spend another few day’s treasuring his domestic bliss; the domestic bliss he stole from the two kindest people he knew. 

 

The tables had turned and Roman was now the one with his head in his hands. The one with a lump in his chest and tears in his eyes. What Virgil must think of him now, crumbling in on himself like a child.  _ Pitiful. _

 

That though, must have been untrue because Roman heard a chair slide across the wood floor with a screech. He heard Virgil’s hip hit the side of the table. He felt arms wrap around him just as his own arms had wrapped around Virgil the night before. 

 

Roman looked up and saw Virgil’s reassuring smile as Virgil started to wipe his tears away. “It’s okay to be sad Roman. You don’t have to be the strong one all the time. Please just tell me what’s wrong? What’s so broken up inside?” 

 

Sadly, this only made Roman cry harder; made him cling to Virgil more tightly; made spitting out the truth so much harder. But, he managed to do it with his face hid in Virgil's chest. He could do it if he didn’t have to look him in the eyes. 

 

“I know it all Virgil! I talked to them and they told me it all. I promised them to you, but I don’t know if I can let you go. I can’t let you go Virgil! I can’t let go!” It all came out in spluttering sobs that would be unintelligible to someone who wasn’t used to crying. Virgil heard every word and walked away stunned as Roman fell to the floor in a heap. 

 

\---

 

When Roman pulled himself together he ran up the stairs and banged on Virgil’s door before even trying to turn the knob. 5 minutes later he resorted to pulling on the doorknob discovering the door to be open despite the white bored reading red. 

 

The only thing Roman saw then was an open window with a fire ladder hanging down, a pillow without a pillow sack, and empty places where Virgil's things should have been.

 

No phone, charger or keys. No clothes on the floor. No stack of notebooks; no notebooks at all.

 

Most importantly, no Virgil. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's block is killing me yo! Sorry if this chapter is kinda.. iffy. Thanks as always to my beta FanFicLover1998 (ao3) or GuessMyName17 (Tumblr) for all the help!
> 
> Comments and Kudos keep me going (!!) even if I've been lazy on replying (whoops haha)
> 
> Taking Requests on Tumblr: anniemiku


	11. Pacing and Flashbacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of confusing so I added helps in parenthesis next to breaks  
>  
> 
> Trigger Warning: bullying, swearing, foster system, worrying, self-hate  
> (If I missed anything let me know)

Logan was pacing back and forth between Patton’s desk and the couch. The office was small compared to the school’s “nursing station”, but Patton still refused to move his desk into the larger space. Logan’s pacing was making him reconsider that.

The problem wasn’t the pacing itself, though yes it was a problem; the real issue was the nervous energy bubbling up under Logan’s skin. The anticipation and dread that the meeting with Roman had caused was eating a hole in him. 

Patton and Logan both had been waiting nights on end for Roman’s call. They wanted Virgil back and that’s what they were promised. For them both, the moral implications had gone out the wayside because of Virgil’s condition. They had stopped thinking about Virgil having a choice long ago. Patton would be lying if he said it hadn’t been weighing on him since Virgil moved out. It seemed that the same thing was happening to Logan now. 

“Logan, Roman may be many things, but he’s no liar. He  _ will _ call.” Patton sighed and looked down at his feet. “He’s been texting me all week”

Logan paused and turned on his heels back towards Patton’s desk. If it had been anyone else charging his desk, Patton would have been scared, but this was Logan and that was just the way he operated.

Logan slammed his hands down on the desk causing Patton to jump slightly in his chair. “What did he say?!” Logan looked down at his hands (realizing how irrational he was acting) and composed himself. He breathed out and wiped his hands on his pants.

Patton got up from his chair and guided Logan towards the couch with a hand on his back. “Nothing important, Honey. This is hard for him too you know. He’s so obviously in love with Virgil”

Logan slumped down and his brow creased in stress and concern. “I know, Pat” He sighed “but things are different for me and Virgil. How can you be so composed about this? I know you love him just as much as I do, if not more, but… I don’t know”

Patton ran a hand through his hair and slumped back on the couch as well, resting his head on Logan’s shoulder. “I guess I’ve just had more practice; with emotions and Virgil both. I mean it seems like yesterday you were just running out of this office at the very sight of seeing him. Now look at you” Patton chuckled but it fell flat. 

“It doesn’t feel like yesterday to me. It feels like a lifetime ago”

\--- 

(flashback to remeeting)

Logan was a clutz in some ways and it annoyed him to no end. How could someone so exact about everything under the sun drop so much stuff? That was how he ended up heading to the nurse's station during his lunch period. He had dropped a glass graduated cylinder when setting up for a chem lab and cut his hand something fierce when trying (and failing) to clean it up.

It was truly rare for Logan to get like this, but it was just one of those days. He had, had his head in the clouds all morning and even caught himself looking out the window at the falling leaves. His carelessness only increased from there. 

He rounded the corner and headed for the station’s door only to realize it was empty.  _ He must be in his office.  _ Patton’s office was just off the station, only a door down, but Logan couldn’t help but let out an annoyed sigh. 

It was this detour that caused the annoyance to drain, however. In fact, everything that Logan had been feeling was sucked out of his body like a vacuum. Anxiety was sitting perched up on Patton’s desk, indian style, facing the wall behind the desk (opposite the door). 

Logan didn’t even have time to consider his options, freezing in the doorway. 

“Oh~ Logan! What’s up?” Patton beamed. Then he seemed to notice the way Logan was putting pressure on his hand. His face morphed into one of concern and then he said something else. Logan couldn’t hear it though. His ears were ringing and he was sweating. Anxiety was staring at him over his shoulder, mouth agape, shock on his face, the book falling to the floor. 

Logan ran

~

Virgil was stuck in place, an unmovable force holding him down somehow. It was Logan. How was Logan here?! It had been so long since they had seen each other, since high school at least. No, Virgil hadn’t forgotten. He even still thought about the name Anxiety, even though no one had called him that in years. 

When he thought about it, it would feel like a shock to his system. Someone would say something in passing. Say Virgil was looking stressed and it would hit him like a wave. Wave after wave of self-doubt, of self-consciousness, of  _ anxiety  _

“Virgil, what was that all about? Do you two know each other?” Patton’s honey voice soothed Virgil's brow and caught his attention. Things are okay. That’s all in the past. 

Virgil took a breath. “It’s really nothing Pat” He hopped off the desk and picked up his the book of Shakespeare's sonnets. 

“I just knew him in high school and things didn’t end well. You know how things were for me in high school.”

Patton grimaced and Virgil couldn’t help but notice his knuckles whiten around the side of the desk. “Did he used to bully you, Virgil? If he did you need to tell me and you need to tell me right now.” 

(Virgil slightly recoiled at the tone Patton held. He wasn’t used to Patton getting this angry.)

“It’s more complicated than that.” He muttered solemnly.

“How is it more complicated Virgil?” Patton’s tone was less harsh this time but still packed a punch. 

Virgil ran a hand through his hair and moved to the couch. “Sit”

“Most of high school was hard for me and… and well in some ways he’s the reason why.”

~ (flashback to original meeting)

Virgil had found his place. The library was almost deserted during his lunch period except for the library TA’s and nerds. The only problem would have been that food was taboo in the library. Good thing Virgil barely ate anyway. Truth be told he lived almost entirely on a diet of crackers and coffee. 

Shit hit the fan the second week of sophomore year though, but in some ways, they also got better. That was the week  _ he _ had come up to him at lunch. 

“You know, you seem to demonstrate most of the key attributes of Anxiety.” 

Virgil looked up from the book of shakespeare's sonnets and frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He sat down at Virgil’s table then, pulling out a chair for himself uninvited. “Well it’s just that you always look stressed, you constantly drink coffee showing you must not sleep well, you do the same thing every day almost never straying from routine, and I’ve never seen you talk to anyone, but me at this very moment. Those are a lot of the symptoms of a generalized anxiety disorder.”

He was right in some ways then, which is why it made Virgil feel even worse when he couldn't think of an appropriate reply. Virgil wasn’t good at talking to people and that was apparently a symptom of being a basket case. The only thing was, he had to know. He had to know if he was a freak because of this thing a stranger thought he had. “What’s your name?”

He bristled at that, for the first time taken aback and not completely blank-faced. “It’s Logan, What’s yours?”

Virgil’s frown got impossibly deeper and his hand’s fiddled at the pages of his book “I...I feel like I shouldn’t tell you. You don’t seem like y-you’re the nicest if I’m being honest.”

Logan got defensive at that. “I’m just trying to help. You just seem like you have anxiety and I thought I would tell you” Logan pushed back from the table with his palms and stood up. His tone calmed all defensiveness drained as he had an idea. “I guess that’s what I’ll have to call you then.” Logan stuck out his hand. “Hi Anxiety, I’m Logan. Though I may have messed this up I’d like to make your acquaintance and perhaps develop a friendship.”

Virgil shook his hand and after a beat of silence asked, “Why?”

“Why what?” Logan said confused.

“Why do you want to um… make my acquaintance?” 

“Well, you read just as much as me and I’m a library TA. Isn’t that a basis enough?” Logan’s face twitched and he tried to smile, but it was like it was broken and he had no idea how to smile at all.

Virgil couldn’t help, but “smile” back.

~ 

Things flourished between the two after that day. They started “eating” lunch together every day. They started to hang out after school. Logan tutored Virgil in math and gave him a home in a strange sort of way. (I mean it’s not like they could go hang out with Virgil’s foster parents, so it was always Logan’s house they went too.)

It was when things started to escalate past friendship that things got out of control. They were both comfortable with being gay, so they were both comfortable with making out a little during study breaks. They were both comfortable with being gay, so they were both comfortable with flirting in the hall. And then holding hands. And then whispering sweet nothings. And then and then and then. 

Everything seemed perfect until Logan fell and began to feel more and more. Thing’s that didn’t use to bother him started to bug him. Started to gnaw at his heart. He hated the looks and hisses and slurs. He hated it all. But above all else, Logan hated not knowing Anxiety’s name. Never being allowed to go to his house. Not knowing where he came from or what he was truly like inside. It left Logan wondering if these feelings were warranted towards someone he felt like he didn’t  _ really _ know. 

None of this though compared to Virgil’s secret struggle. His name was gone by then. Logan called him Anxiety often at school, it was the only name Logan knew him by. What neither of them expected though was it to spread like wildfire. People hissed the name Anxiety as an insult. People used it to ask “Ann” for homework answers in class. Teachers put Ann Sanderson on attendance rosters. Virgil bore it all; No,  _ Anxiety  _ bore it all _.  _

This all is why thing’s crashed and that’s why they crashed in a major way. The argument: all-encompassing. Yelling and kissing; crying and everything that makes good things end.

After that, the spring of junior year, was when Logan turned bitter. After that Logan was joining in laughing at Ann being pushed to the ground. And most importantly, after that was when Logan was the one hissing  _ Anxiety _ . 

All of that was fine with Logan until Anxiety moved away at the end of summer before senior year. New assignment, new group home, new school for Anxiety. No Ann for Logan to kiss after school. No Ann to write love sonnets too. Not even an Ann to see in the halls or hurrying out of the library as Logan hissed insults at him. 

Regret filled him up like a pitcher in the rain. Sadness sagged at him like wet clothes. Logan missed Ann like he missed the sun in a storm. 

There was nothing to do, but get over him. At least that was true until he was right in front of Logan and all the things he had forgotten about his first love came flooding back. The ache returning stronger than ever. 

Thankfully soon after that ache returned Patton mended Logan’s heart. Thankfully Patton reunited Logan with his lost love. Thankfully Patton joined Virgil's side in Logan’s heart. 

Thankfully they were happy. 

That is, until everything went to hell and Logan had to face the fact that it was all his fault once again.

\--- (back to present time)

“You know Patton, I really didn’t think I would lose him twice this year.” Logan’s leg was shaking with nervous energy “Losing him the first time was enough for a lifetime”

At that Logan began to notice a tear rolling down Patton’s face. Turns out he wasn’t as strong as he seemed when it came to a broken heart. “Honey I-”

It was at that moment Patton’s phone began to ring and Roman’s face popped up on the screen. 

After he hung up, Patton had new news to bare. He was burdened with telling Logan their love was lost again and that this time seemed worse than the times before. 

They were in the car headed to Roman’s in the blink of an eye. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to my beta FanFicLover1998 (ao3) or GuessMyName17 (Tumblr) for all the help! Sorry about alway's messaging you in the middle of the night to edit haha, whoops!
> 
> Sorry I skipped a week ya'll. I've been super depressed. I hope this chapter being longer than normal somewhat makes up for it
> 
> Please please comment what you think!!! Kudos are super nice as well :)
> 
> Taking Requests on Tumblr: anniemiku  
> (message me I would LOVE to chat!!)


	12. The Park in The Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Nervousness, reference to homelessness, foster system, stranger interaction, swearing.  
> (If I missed anything let me know)

Virgil hadn’t really thought of where to go when he had left. If he was being honest with himself it was an impulse. Maybe, some impulses were good ones; those gut feelings that lead you to something that was supposed to happen. Virgil was almost positive this was not the case presently. 

 

On the other hand, because he let his heart lead him this time around he just drove. No calculating turns; no GPS lady voice; just barely looking and sticking to his thoughts. 

 

This was how Virgil had ended up at his park. Well, it wasn’t really  _ his _ park, but it was one near and dear to his heart. In fact, he remembered taking Logan there for the first time and many times after that

 

Their dates were always simple then. Patton busy doing something and sending Virgil out of the house for “date night” with Logan. Neither of them liked to sit and eat, it making Virgil anxious and not being productive enough for Logan who was almost always multitasking. Plays and movies seemed too stilted and drab. So they ended up just going on drives; the majority of the time to places that meant something to one of them. 

 

Logan had taken him to the planetarium and the museum. Vigil the park and warehouse market. When they asked Patton to join in he said he would feel like he was intruding, but once Patton had taken them to the showing of childhood home when it went up for sale.

 

It had all seemed so fun and new at the time and so it was. But, eventually Virgil and Logan began to run out of places to go; Special places were special for a reason of course. So, they would go to the park to talk and sit on the swinging bench sandwiched between the playground and lake. 

 

That was where Virgil was now; eye to eye with the park that sat in his gut so bittersweet. He remembered all the laughs they’d had; he remembered all the times they’d (well more just Virgil, but sometimes Logan too) cried for the past and the future. It was all a stew that Virgil couldn’t decide to dig in too or not. 

 

And so, he just got out of his car and sat. He looked at the night sky over the lake. He dug his toe into the dirt and made a rut. He thought about everything and went to grab a notebook to write.  

 

For Virgil, it had been a long time since he last wrote something real. His well… everything had seemed dry lately. His creative juices just not flowing right. It hadn’t even been until he moved in with Princy that his creativity had even a small spike. But now, it was all coming clear into his mind. The finish of his novel was coming into view and he’d be damned if went back home before he finished it. 

 

That was how a stranger found Virgil the next morning sprawled out over a park bench. For Virgil had spent the night painfully hunched over his lap, writing like it was the end of his life. 

 

\---

 

Thomas was concerned. He didn’t usually come to the park, but he needed to finish his leaf identifying project for AP Biology. The thing was, he couldn’t really do that right now because he couldn’t stop staring at the man on the bench. 

 

He looked as if he had slept there all night. A pen was loosely hanging from his hand, as his arm dangled from the back of the bench. His head looked as if it was hanging down and crunching his neck. In short, the whole scene looked incredibly uncomfortable and it was weighing on Thomas’s heart. All he wanted to do was go and buy him a coffee, or at the very least wake him up. 

 

So, that’s what he did and one Starbucks run later he was back, a man on a mission. 

 

Thomas shook the man awake as lightly as he could, but still ended up startling him quite a bit. The man snapped awake quite violently actually and fell off the bench entirely. “Oof!” he rubbed his back and winced as he hit the sore spot. He then seemed to realize where he was and what had happened and his face sobered alarmingly fast. “No offense and thanks for waking me up... I guess, but who the hell are you”

 

“Uh, I’m Thomas” he tried to brighten up but was just starting to realize how creepy this must seem. (Sometimes it’s best not to let your heart lead you). “I’m sorry I scared you, I- I just um saw you on the bench and you looked so… down on your luck.” Thomas waved his free hand violently then. “NOT THAT I THINK YOU’RE HOMELESS OR ANYTHING! I- I UM JUSt thought you might” he thrust the cup towards the man and looked down to avoid seeing his reaction “Just here take this”

 

The man looked down at the offered cup and back up at the boy. Thomas looked like a teenager; Just some harmless kid trying to do the right thing.  _ Oh, how the real world is going to break your spirit.  _

 

He took the cup and stood up “Uh… Thanks kid… I mean Thomas” He was really at a loss for words. Nothing would have prepared him for the slightly bizarre situation he was in. So he sat back down on the bench and went with introducing himself. “I’m Virgil”

Thomas’s smile then was almost one to beat Patton’s, something Virgil thought was impossible to even come close too. “Nice to meet you Virgil!” he motioned to the bench “Do you mind if I sit?” Virgil nodded. 

 

“So… what’s a kid like you doing in a park this early in the morning giving fancy coffee to strangers?” Virgil stretched his arm over the back of the bench and tilted his head to look at Thomas’s. 

 

“I actually have a biology project I’m supposed to be working on” He laughed airily. “Guess this is just a form of me procrastinating.”

 

Virgil really had nowhere to be and nothing to do now that he had well… run away, so he decided to chat. And in full transparency, Virgil hated to chat, but this kid seemed alright. “What’s the project on?”

 

Thomas brightened and got a glint in his eye (What a science nerd. Maybe reminds Virgil of Logan, yeah?). “Well, I have to collect leaves and figure out what kind of tree it is based on its bark and leaf shape and stuff. It’s actually way harder than it looks. I have this book that is kinda like a choose your own adventure.” Thomas pulled a small leaflet (pun intended lol) out of his coat pocket and flipped through it as he leaned over to show Virgil “You pick the simple characteristics and it tells you what page to turn too for more characteristics and eventually it gets detailed enough that you know what kind of tree it is.” 

 

Now, the average person would have been lost long ago or bored or both, but this just so happened to be something Virgil was familiar with. It seemed like both yesterday and a long long time ago that he, Patton and Logan had put together the garden in the backyard. What made this come in handy was the indecision they had all had in what trees to plant. This lead to Logan reading up on it and spouting out facts and eventually lead to Virgil knowing wayy to much about trees. 

 

“I think I could actually help you out on this one Thomas” 

 

\---

 

The project ended up taking a long time and had a lot of tedious details that involved Virgil writing leaf analysis down on a legal pad. In that time though, a damn of conversation broke forth and surprisingly Virgil ended up baring his soul. 

 

The only problem with baring your soul to a teenager is their response may not be the most mature and in turn, may cause you to act rashly. This is how Virgil ended up grabbing his stuff, leaving his car behind, and agreeing to stay with Thomas who claimed since his parents would be out of town on a full tour of Europe Virgil could stay with him consequence free. 

 

Virgil was still anxious though and his leg was bouncing up a storm. His fingers alternated between tapping rhythmically on his armrest and fiddling in his lap. Soon though the car was pulling into Thomas’s driveway which put him at ease for about half a second before the fight or flight kicked in.

 

As they entered the house Virgil tensed even more. He could smell the homeyness oozing out of it. It was like what you would imagine the Brady Bunches house would smell like; like love and fresh baked cookies and Lysol. A normal person would be comforted, but because Virgil had made his way through the foster system he only could think of how he would eventually somehow ruin it. 

 

Thomas didn’t seem to notice or at least didn’t hint at the fact he did. He only motioned for Virgil to pull off his sneakers and jacket before coming in. 

 

“Welcome to my humble abode” Thomas beamed and started walking backward beaconing Virgil to follow him up the staircase. “I think the guest room is cleaned out but I might need to get you new sheets”

 

Virgil began to trail Thomas up the stairs, a frown on his lips “Are you completely sure about this? You are aware that you’re letting a stranger you met in the park into your house when your parents aren't home, right?” he paused. “Seems kind of like an episode of how to catch a predator or something” 

 

Thomas laughed “No offense Virge, but I don’t think you could be threatening if you tired, especially after all that gush you spewed about all your boyfriends or ex-boyfriends or whatever. To be honest, the whole thing was like a romantic drama or something.” 

 

They reached the top of the stairs and Thomas lead Virgil down the hall to a doorway. The room was ordinary. A window, a twin bed, and a dresser. The room was lacking many personal touches but was themed forest green as that was the bedspread and curtain color. Actually, the room lacked any decoration at all except a canvas print of “Ophelia” above the bed. (Later Virgil would learn that this was the only exception to the “put as many family photos, report cards and drawings as possible everywhere rule” in the whole house) 

 

“It’s not much, but I’m guessing it’s better than the park bench” Thomas rested a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “You can stay as long as you want and let me know if you need anything.” He stepped back then, “I’ll go get the sheets. You just settle in Virgil” 

 

And that was exactly what Virgil had planned to do, except he made the mistake of flopping face down onto the bed. Thomas returned to see an adorably tuckered out Virgil fast asleep on the bed, feet just dangling off the end. He chuckled softly and left Virgil to sleep in peace. 

 

\---

 

It wasn’t hard for Logan to figure out where to go. He had been the biggest fan of the Virgil’s favorite spots tour, attending it’s locations time and time again. Isn’t that how he had tracked Virgil down the first time (not that he would admit to it)? It wasn’t like he would have gone to the warehouse market if he hadn’t been crushed by Virgil’s absence. That  _ had  _ caused him to run into Virgil then. Why wouldn’t the same plan of action work now?

 

So that’s what he did. He started his car and drove to all the places he could think off. It was only after his 3rd stop that Logan realized his mistake. He knew exactly where to go. 

 

When Logan got to the park the only problem that arose was the absence of Virgil himself. His car was there as was his pen, sticking out of the dirt by the bench. But, Logan’s interest in those particular clues vanished when he spotted black and battered notebook sitting on the bench next to him. As he opened it he came to the conclusion that this literature must be a map to his love. Logan only had to crack the code contained in the pages. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to my beta FanFicLover1998 (ao3) or GuessMyName17 (Tumblr) for all the help! You always seem to be ready and willing to beta and you're amazing for that :)
> 
> Depression is still kicking my ass, but at least I'm updating on time(ish). Any motivation to move tips lol?
> 
> Let me know what you all think of this chapter in the comments! Kudos if you can <3
> 
> Taking Requests on Tumblr: anniemiku  
> (message me I would L-O-V-E to talk!!)


	13. A Duel Car Ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: remorse, crying, regret, guilt, speaking of suicide
> 
> (Let me know if I missed anything)

The car was heavy with the weight of circumstance; Roman and Patton both could feel it crushing them. It wasn’t just that though, it was also the sense that they shouldn't be on friendly terms. It shrouded them both with this stone-faced, business-like temperament that made everything seem far too… well, mean. At least, that’s how it seemed to Patton.

 

Truly, Patton hated the feeling that he  _ should _ hate Roman far more than he actually hated him. Patton actually had liked him from the first time they talked; he liked his easy smile and passion especially and had jumped at the chance to befriend him. He really hadn’t really felt any enmity toward Roman until their meeting at the coffee shop and that feeling felt childish now. 

 

The thing was, Roman was actually a really good guy and Patton knew this. Roman genuinely cared about Virgil despite their differences and welcomed him into his home. Even after falling for Virgil, or at least Patton assumed Roman had fallen for Virgil (I mean how could he not), Roman was still honorable enough to come and meet with Patton and Logan and promise Virgil back to them. 

 

That was the other thing, Patton had been feeling progressively more guilty about having Virgil “promised to him.” At first, he had been so relieved to have even the hope of Virgil returning to him that he ignored all the moral implications entirely, but now it sat on top of his conscience and had become all he could think about at times. The most important thing about this incessant thinking?: it took all his willpower not to blurt out all of this to Roman.

 

“Roman, I’ve been me-”

“Can we talk about th-” They both stopped talking and Roman spared a quick glance from the road to side eye the other. “Uh sorry… You go first, Patton.”

 

Patton looked towards his lap and ran a finger across his knuckles. “Well… It’s just that” he paused again and sighed “I’ve just been thinking about what you said at coffee. That you promised to bring Virgil back to me and Logan. And I- I just-”

 

“I-uh” Roman glanced towards Patton and then back to the road. “Hold that thought”  Roman pulled over to the shoulder of the road and turned the car off, leaving them only in the shine of light posts. He turned towards Patton, an earnest look on his face, and motioned for him to continue.

 

Patton cleared his throat and fiddled with hands in his lap before speaking again. “It’s not right, Roman. I can’t let you just hand him over to us like he’s a lost puppy.” Patton looked up then, gaze piercing Roman’s. “He should make  _ his own _ choices. He left us for his own reasons, even if me or you or even Logan don’t understand what they were or why they lead him to where he is now we have to except he is in charge of his own life.” He choked up then “And if that means he leaves me for you o-or he leaves us all entirely… we have to accept that”

 

Patton was full out crying now and Roman was at a loss for words. All he could think was  _ It’s you, Pat. It’s you who deserves him. You deserve all the happiness the world has to offer,  _ but he couldn’t bring himself to say it aloud. And so, Roman’s arms just wrapped around Patton (armrests be damned!) and he slowly ran his finger’s through Patton’s hair. 

 

Patton just sobbed into his shoulder, eventually awkwardly maneuvering over the center console of the car opting to sit directly in Princy’s lap. Roman simply hugged Patton once again and let him cry. He pressed a kiss to his forehead and rubbed soothing circles into his back as Patton’s breathing started to even out. (And somehow even though it should have been awkward it wasn’t)

 

After a while, the air seemed to settle and Roman broke the silence, “You know to be fair, Virgil is kind of like a puppy. Maybe not in the way that he’s helpless, but he does have some unusual habits.” He chuckled dryly. “Maybe he’s more like a cat though”

 

Patton pulled away, tears still streaking his face and then laughed. It was a genuine laugh, maybe one of relief or of tension build up, but it was still alarmingly real. They both knew then everything would turn out somehow; that Virgil would come home in due time. 

 

Patton mumbled a “sorry” and lifted his cardigan sleeve to wipe his face. The smile that the laugh bloomed still sat snugly on his face, though it was more bittersweet now. 

 

Roman put a hand on his shoulder. “There’s nothing to be sorry about, Pat” Patton looked up then and their eye’s met. The hopeless romantic Pat was, he couldn’t help but think of how much care he had for Roman. That thought broke him even more somehow; it felt like a betrayal. His face melted into a grimace and that made it seem like Roman’s gase was boring into him somehow. 

 

“Is everything going to turn out?” he sighed “I don’t think I can live without him, Roman. It’s been me and Virgil for so long, what do I do if he doesn't come back to me?”

 

“He’ll come back to us, Patton” Roman’s thumb traced circles into his shoulder.

 

_ “Us. He said us.”  _ At that thought, guilt flooded into Patton’s bones and he began to cry once again. 

 

\---

 

Logan hadn’t called or even texted the others, even though he probably ought to have. No, Logan was way to focused on the notebook in his lap. His hand’s screamed to annotate, spell check and add indents, but how could he think of such trivial things?

 

This “novel” (yes, I suppose it could be considered a novel) was undoubtedly deeply rooted in Virgil’s relationship with Logan and Patton. Perhaps that is why it was so easy for Logan’s mind to drift towards easy technical error instead of the story itself. It was much easier to read with a mind looking for error than a mind seeing the error he himself had committed. 

 

This book was fueled by the emotions that lead to Virgil's suicide attempt. Logan couldn’t help but see his own hand in provoking the attempt. How could he miss it when it was scrawled out right in front of his own two eyes?

 

Perfectly clear and certainly based on the events of Virgil’s own trauma, the novel hit Logan like a bag of bricks. As he turned to the next page, a tear blotted the page and spread the sweet blue ink. It ingested the page through and through and soon Logan followed suit, tears still flowing down his face as he did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to my beta FanFicLover1998 (ao3) or GuessMyName17 (Tumblr) for all the help! Thanks also to  
> k8-rei (Tumblr) for prereading last chapter for me and urging me on to post it! Everyone go check out their art!
> 
> I've been running dry on everything guys so sorry if this chapter sucks. I don't like it too much, but I promised myself I'd update by Wednesday so here it is! Hope you like it anyway :)
> 
> Let me know what you all think of this chapter in the comments(please please please)!!! Kudos are a great encouragement as well.
> 
> Taking Requests on Tumblr: anniemiku  
> (message me?)
> 
> ps: slight reference to this Tumblr blog (catvirgil) if you caught it


	14. Phone Call and Info Stall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: sad mood, dissociative episode, loss, separation
> 
> (Let me know if I missed anything)

Though their efforts were in vain, you couldn’t say that Logan, Roman, and Patton weren’t trying. As the night grew darker and time passed, they had to throw in the towel. How could they find someone who hid so well? How could they find someone who didn’t want to be found at all? 

It was Patton and Roman who pulled into the driveway first. They sat in the car for a while, silence eating them both up. It all weighed down on them both: the stress of the situation, the grief of losing Virgil (for Patton losing him in the first place and for Roman preparing to lose him to Patton and Logan both), and the guilt the intimacy they shared earlier had caused. It was all too much to handle; so heavy it didn’t seem to let them leave the car.  
Finally, though, Patton sighed and slunk out of the car. The weight was still on him then, that is until he saw Logan walking down the street. Logan was disheveled, to say the least; you could tell from a mile away. His head hung low and his feet only shuffled along as if it took all his strength just to put one foot in front of the other. Not only that, but he had drove and his car was nowhere to be seen.

Patton began to sprint down the street towards Logan. Logan stuck to his stupor though and didn’t even seem to notice as ragged breath and heavy footsteps approached him. It wasn’t until Patton’s arms wrapped around him and sobs hit Logan’s shoulder that he even noticed anyone was coming towards him at all. 

The notebook hit the ground with a smack and slowly Logan returned the embrace. 

“I need you so much, Logan,” Patton said as another sob escaped into Logan’s shoulder. “What happened to you, sweetpea?” His head lifted up and they locked eyes “What’s wrong Logan? Where’s your car?” 

About a thousand other questions burst from Patton after that, but Logan only heard static. He only heard the smack of the notebook hitting the ground over and over and over. The sound perseverated in his mind on a never-ending loop. So he bent down and picked it up, pushed past Patton, and continued on his walk towards home.

He couldn’t even hear Patton cry after him

\---

Life with Thomas had been strange. Don’t get him wrong, Virgil had quickly grown to adore Thomas after only a few nights, it was just different than the whirlwind he was used too. Above all that, Thomas was one of the kindest people Virgil had ever met; he maybe even was a second to Patton, which was a high honor in and of itself. 

The thing was, well… to Virgil, it was like moving back in with his parents. Thomas took care of him like he was his own son. All of this to say, having a teenager parent you was an… interesting experience

The morning after he crashed in the guest room, Virgil was woken up by gentle hands shaking him out of his slumber. Not only that, but “together breakfast was mandatory” as Thomas put it. Virgil had no choice but to join Thomas and dig in.

Thomas made him talk. Thomas made him eat. Thomas made him shower. Thomas put Virgil on a strict schedule and in all honesty, it was working wonders for him. He felt so much better than he had before after only a few days. When he woke up he didn’t have to wonder what he should do. He didn’t have to think at all. He just had to slink downstairs and eat breakfast with Thomas. 

Soon enough, the talking didn’t even bother him. Virgil felt like he could tell Thomas anything and well, he basically did. The whole story from start to finish. From Logan to Patton to Roman to running away. All the cards were on the table and Virgil for once felt fine about it. 

Well, He felt fine about it up until Thomas got an idea in his head that Virgil should do something about his predicament. 

Thomas stuck a fork full of pancake into his mouth, chewed and swallowed. “You need to choose, Virgil. You can’t stay here and hide forever. You can stay as long as it takes to figure this mess out, but one day you’ll need to know who you want to be with” 

Thomas had thrown that out as if it was easy. He languidly spoke with a casualness as he dropped an ultimatum on Virgil’s lap. Virgil just gaped back at him, fork halfway up to his mouth. 

At the silence, Thomas looked up and rolled his eyes at Virgil’s expression. “Did you really think I would let you not pick!? I mean you can’t just move away! You have all these guys who love you and are probably worried sick. Have you even called any of them?”

“Uh… no I-i haven’t” Virgil looked down at his plate in shame

“Did you text?”

“No”

“Virgil, hand me your phone.” 

“What?”

“You heard me!” Thomas held out his hand expectantly “Give me your phone.”

Virgil sighed and finally relinquished his phone to Thomas. Next thing he knew, the phone was being thrown back at him, Patton’s face on the screen.

“Better hurry. It’s ringing”

\---

Logan and Patton’s shared home was a dead zone. It was made even more apparent by the princely figure sprawled out on the couch. Roman had refused to leave, thinking that if Virgil returned from his escape he would come to his former home rather than he and Roman’s shared space. 

Along with this, the notebook had seemingly disappeared to Patton’s dismay. The car was still MIA as well. Logan had only hidden more and more of himself as the days progressed. Sometimes though in the dead of night as Patton and Logan tossed and turned, Logan would turn to Patton and share all he felt. Let it all out like a flood and then fall asleep in Patton’s arms. If only Patton felt like he had the right to the same luxury. 

They had been looking almost nonstop until about day 3. Day 3 was the day Logan just rolled over. The day spent in silence. The day they all just sat and thought and worried. Day 3 was the day they all somehow simultaneously decided to wait it out instead of going on another wild goose chase. 

Patton wanted to make day 4 better. When he woke up he didn’t sigh or cry. He put on a weak smile and yanked Logan up with him. He dragged him downstairs and sat Logan at the table. He woke Roman up with a pillow to the face and yelled for him to help make the eggs. 

All Patton wanted was some normality on day 4. Maybe he would have got normality if his phone hadn’t rang as they all ate in contemplative quiet. As the phone started to buzz on the table, Roman dived for it and when he flipped it over to see Virgil’s sweet smile he nearly dropped the phone. Or at least he would of it Logan hadn’t snatched it out of his hands. 

Logan answered immediately and put the phone on speaker. “Virgil!? Is that you?!”

Patton smacked Logan’s arm and motioned for him to tone it down; he harshly whispered “shh Lo! You’ll scare him off.”

A tentative “hey” came out of the phone and it was as if a wave of relief hit the room. It wasn’t a butt dial (heh heh let your bottom do the bluffing). It wasn’t a mistake. He didn’t hang up. It was their Virgil. It was their Love. And he wanted, he wanted, to be found. 

Roman was the first to reply “Honey, where are you?” 

Logan shot a glare his way, but Patton melted at the pet name. As Logan noticed this he sighed and gave Roman a small smile, seemingly as an apology. “Roman has a right to be here just as much as me and Pat. Stupid emotions are making me an irrational man.” (Logan thought)

Virgil breathed out into the phone and spoke after a long silence “I don’t know if I’m ready to tell you. Is Patton there?”

Patton realized he had yet to speak “Yes, Virgil! I’m sor-”

“Don’t apologize Pat. It’s no one’s fault but mine I ran away” There was a ruffling on the other end of the phone “I just wanted you all to know that I’m safe and well… I miss you all so much” he sighed “I-I’m just… I’m not ready to come home yet.”

“Where is your home, Virgil?! Is it with us? Is it with him?” Logan blurted.   
“Logan!” Patton nearly screeched. He grabbed the phone out of Logan’s hand and set it in the middle of the table, giving the other two warning looks.

“Virgil, we miss you too… but if you’re not ready, you're not ready.” Romans' voice seemed like a whisper compared to Logan desperate yelling. “We… we all love you so much”

“That’s right Virgil! We only want what’s best for you” Patton rung his hands nervously but spoke clearly nonetheless “If that means you need some time away from us that’s okay with me.” He nearly whispered then “Even if it does break my heart a little bit”

There was a slight silence before Logan spoke up once more; this time speaking almost eerily calm “Virgil, you know what I want. I want you home with me. I feel as if I need you here at my side. But hearing you say this is what you truly need I can put that aside. I have to put that aside” Logan hung his head “I just… I just can’t seem to have any control without you Virgil. My mind is a battlefield of new emotions I don’t understand. I wish you were here to tell me what to feel. That though, isn’t healthy and it isn’t what you need.” He paused “I probably need some time to figure out these… these things I’m feeling too.”

And with a small-voiced “thank you” and an even smaller “I love you all so much” Virgil was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to my beta FanFicLover1998 (ao3) or GuessMyName17 (Tumblr) for coming in clutch! *finger guns*
> 
> Is it just me or does this chapter seem kinda slow? Hopefully, next weeks update will be ramped up a bit. Let me know if I need to speed the plot up. Are the chapters too short? I'm I too descriptive? Am I not descriptive enough? Positive criticism is encouraged (kind need it heh heh)
> 
> Comments, comments, comments, and kudos mean the world to me! If you have the time please let me know what you think of the fic/chapter and drop me a kudos. (You don't have to haha. I'm not your boss.)
> 
> Taking Requests on Tumblr: anniemiku  
> (message me? I need friends lol)


	15. The Game is Afoot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: none
> 
> (let me know if you find anything)

The problem with talking to someone you haven’t talked too in a long time is that it turns on something carnal. It makes you crave that contact even more because you had forgotten how good it is. Normally that’s something sweet. Normally, it’s like you’ve met Mr or Mrs (or the NB equivalent) right and you just can’t wait for another second to soak in the next detail they reveal, but it wasn’t like that with Virgil. He had let the silence fester and it was coming back to bite him.

 

Virgil needed to hear their voices again more than anything. He had spent such a long time without them that his brain forgot how much he loved them; how much he caved them; how much he  _ needed _ them. But after that phone call, it was as if the floodgates had opened up and Virgil was a mess.

 

Virgil dragged his hands through his hair and sighed, shoving aside the notebook. His brain was simply empty of anything useful; _how could he think anything different? His muse was gone and had been for quite some time now._

 

He itched to reach for the phone but decided against it instead unconsciously tapping his finger against the table rhythmically.  _ Tap tap tap tap tap. _

 

“Can you knock that off, Virgil?” Thomas said. The tapping was driving him insane 

 

“Oh,” Virgil looked down at the table  “I hadn’t even realized I was doing it.”

 

Thomas walked over to the table and sat down. “Is something bothering you?” He reached across the table and stilled Virgil’s hand that had once again resumed the incessant tapping. 

 

Virgil’s face contorted into a grimace and mumbled: “What isn’t bothering me?”

 

Thomas rolled his eyes at that. When was Virgil going to open up to him? I mean, telling a story about troubles and lovers can be is easy, especially for a writer. It was the feelings and motive that were hard for Virgil to express. It was those things that Thomas wanted to crack into. 

 

“That cop out isn’t going to work, Virgil”

 

Virgil sighed and moved his hand from Thomas’ opting instead to flip through the pages of his notebook. “I-I just…” He looked down and moved his hands flat against the cover, taking a deep breath. “I really want to call them” 

 

Thomas brightened at this; this problem was something he felt qualified to give advice on. “Then do it. There’s nothing wrong with calling them if you’re ready. Even if you’re not ready to go back to them.” He paused then and spoke more frantically  “Unless you  _ aren’t _ going back to them. If that’s the case I beg you to reconsider” 

 

“I… I’m going to have to face them eventually if that’s what you’re worried about. I know I’m going to have to see them again. Right now I can’t even picture it though” He sighed. “I just feel like I’m torn in two”

 

“Just call them Virge,” Thomas said, sliding the notebook out of Virgil’s grasp. “We could even write down what you want to say if the spontaneousness makes you nervous” 

 

Virgil nodded to this and handed the pen to Thomas. 

 

And then it hit him; Virgil had been writing since high school, maybe even middle school, if you can count that cringyness as writing. His best genre had always been mystery novels and he was damn good at orchestrating a situation. For goodness sake, his best seller was a mystery novel! If he could orchestrate a murder mystery he could orchestrate a romance. And if he wanted them all, which he did, all he had to do was squeeze Roman into the equation. 

 

Virgil grabbed the notebook just as Thomas had begun to start absentmindedly sketching houses on the margin. “Hey! I was drawing.” Thomas pouted.

 

“I don’t think you can call that drawing” Virgil deadpanned, already scribbling down ideas. Though it was a little sketchy and manipulative enough to give Virgil a twinge of guilt, it was as innocent as him playing matchmaker.

 

Thomas leaned over and peeked at what Virgil was writing, absorbing it slowly.

 

“Oh… this actually might work”

 

\----

 

Patton had just forked a bite of his chicken parm when his phone rang. His fork dropped when Virgil’s face popped up on the screen. He nearly squealed as he picked up the phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

Patton was supplied with a tiny-voiced “hi” on the other end of the phone.

 

“Virgil is that you!?” Patton was almost too excited to remember the circumstances. The hit him like a ton of bricks when he did. “Where are you, honey?” He paused but only for a brief second then continued “You don’t need to answer that. I’m sorry”

 

“It’s fine Pat. I... I’ll tell you eventually, but for now, I just want to know how  _ you  _ are?”

 

Pat was taken slightly aback before realizing Virgil wanted normalcy. He was always able to tell what Virgil was feeling and this more thing anything made his heart sink.  _ How could Virgil ever want to come home if they made him feel like a lost kid who needed punishment for running away? _

 

So Patton talked about his day. Patton chatted about the kids who came to the nurse's station that day; Some were the regular customers Virgil remembered from his days sitting in Patton's office and some were new kids with new tales of woe about their scraped knees or tummy aches. Patton chatted about Logan’s poor mood as well, careful not to mention it’s source. 

 

It was when Patton brought up Roman staying with them that Virgil perked up.

 

“What? Why is he staying with you?” Virgil said, trying to hide his sudden interest.

 

“Ummm”  _ How to approach this delicately,  _ “Well, it’s hard to stay in an empty house after having a roomie for so long. We all really miss you, Virge.”  _ That could've gone better.  _

 

“I know… and I miss you all too.” Patton heard him sigh into his receiver “I-I’ll come home eventually, Pat. Until then, I’m going to try to call one of you each day.”

 

“Oh Virgil sweety! You don’t need too for our sake. We d-”

 

“No, I want too. Just tell the others they can expect to hear from me” he laughed then “And help Logan with patience.” 

 

Patton felt a giggle bubble up in his throat, but held it back. “He just… Logan just needs you, ya know? It sometimes seems like he misses you the most” Patton smirked despite Virgil not being able to see it “Too bad none of them could love you as much as I do!” 

 

Virgil smiled “Love you too, Pat. Talk to you soon.”

 

He hung up then and Patton had to swallow a cry. 

_ The problem with talking to someone you haven’t talked too in a long time is that it turns on something carnal. It makes you crave that contact even more because you had forgotten how good it is. _   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to my beta FanFicLover1998 (ao3) or GuessMyName17 (Tumblr)!
> 
> I've been hit with new inspiration and if that means kicking a dead horse then that's what I'm gonna do! Let me know how you think this chapter was. I'm on the fence about it (no pun intended?)
> 
> Comments keep me going and kudos are amazing! Pleasseee motivate me, you beautiful people!
> 
> Taking Requests on Tumblr: anniemiku  
> (anyone up for a ficlet?)

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment what you think!
> 
> Tumblr: anniemiku


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